Having studied bullying for decades, my background in psychology has given me a deep look into the aggressor's mindset. The simple truth is this: when a person puts someone else down, they are almost always trying to elevate themselves. Bullying is definitely a harmful, desperate attempt to feel powerful, manage deep insecurity, and dominate a person or a social group.
As my father used to call it, it's a form of "dirty pool"—a tactic where attacking a rival makes the aggressor feel momentarily taller, stronger, and in control. Here’s a breakdown of the psychological and social forces that drive this awful behavior.
Psychological Motivations for Bullying
The root of most aggression lives within the bully's internal psychological state:
* Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: I believe this is the most common fuel for bullies. Criticizing or humiliating others because they think it elevates their own social status and provides a sense of superiority and control that they otherwise lack. Bullies are motivated and driven to pass on put-downs to elevate themselves.
* The Need for Power and Control:
Bullying is fundamentally about establishing dominance. People who feel powerless or out of control in other aspects of their lives (often at home or school) seek to regain that sense of control by exerting power over a perceived weaker target/victim. They put others down to remind themselves and their target, who is "in charge."
* Emotional Bolstering (Projection):
Some individuals lack healthy coping skills for managing difficult emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. They project these negative feelings onto others through aggression, using the victim as the object of their highly emotional release.
* Modeling and Learned Behavior:
Bullying is often learned behavior. Studies show that people model these harmful behaviors from their environment—whether from loud or aggressive parents, observing sibling or friend high-octane arguments, or constant exposure to violence in media. They put others down because they have seen it be an effective (and harmful) technique to browbeat targets and get what they want.
Social and Environmental Factors
The environment often reinforces and rewards the bully’s behavior:
* Social Status and Acceptance: In certain peer groups, putting others down (especially those who look, sound, or act differently or are unpopular) can be seen as a way to gain popularity or maintain social standing. The aggressor wants to be viewed as "tough" or "cool" by their friends.
* Conformity and Group Dynamics: Bullying often becomes a group activity. Individuals may join in or escalate the put-downs to fit in with a dominant clique or to avoid becoming the next target. This fear of social exclusion fuels the mob mentality.
* Lack of Empathy: A person's inability to understand, share, or express feelings is a key factor. This challenge allows the aggressor to inflict pain and cause emotional harm without feeling guilt or remorse.
What Parents and Adults Can Do
If your child is showing aggressive behavior or is a target, focused intervention and support are critical:
If Your Child is the Aggressor/Bully:
* Highlight and Demonstrate Empathy: Parents and influential adults must model empathy in their own lives. Help your child experience what it is like to “walk in their victim's shoes.” Teaching them how to apologize sincerely is a foundational step in minimizing the harm they cause.
If Your Child is the Target:
* Provide Immediate Support: Let your child know that the bullying is not their fault. Check in regularly and offer unwavering support. Acknowledge that anger is a natural feeling, but violence is not the answer. (As a helpful mnemonic, I've often recommended to children that placing the letter "D" in front of the word "anger" - spells D-A-N-G-E-R).
> Note: We know from tragic events like Columbine that years of emotional abuse can lead some targets to extreme violence. Early intervention is paramount.
* Teach Assertiveness: Bullies often seek out quiet, passive targets. Praise your child's assertive actions and efforts. We must help them build their confidence through practice and competence. In the future, I will provide you with tips on how to help your child build courage and confidence. Assertiveness is a powerful deterrent. Bullies are looking for people who look vulnerable.
In essence, while the bully's actions are focused externally—putting others down, instilling fear, or committing violence—the primary “juice” they seek is an internal feeling of superiority, control, and acceptance.
You likely know people like this. I certainly do, and I've been a target myself. Let's work together to achieve two goals: to teach empathy and to develop the assertiveness necessary to prevent this emotionally damaging and dangerous behavior.
Mike Bogdanski
Mike is an anti-bully activist and martial arts Grandmaster
