Telling is not tattling

 

Telling is not tattling.

You have heard it so many times: “Don’t be a tattle tale!”

As children grow they learn the rules of everyday life. They know that following the rules gives them good results from their parents and peers. It becomes natural for a child (and even us adults) to call attention to perceived rule-breakers. Strangely enough, somewhere along our parent and child development, we learn that “do not tattle” was a good motto for many.

Adults often believe that tattling can be three things.  

1.  A bid for attention.

2. It’s a way to get another child in trouble.

3. A way to correct a child’s behavior.
   

  It is critical to interpret tattling versus telling so that children will confide in a teacher or parent about what they are witnessing.

When students tell on other children, they may have legitimate concerns. Listening to the reason for these concerns and how they affect the situation must be taken seriously, no matter how trivial they seem. Sometimes students do it to gather information, test limits and see if you will enforce the rules. 

The main reason children “tell” is that they don't know how to handle the problem themselves, so they use the only problem-solving technique they know: talking to an adult. Some children will “tell” for attention and recognition, and want you to notice they are following the rules. By reporting others they're seeking the support they are doing the right thing. 

Adults should assume that when a child tells them about a problem, it has some critical importance to the child. No matter how small a concern is, an adult should always reward the child for coming forward. Once the telling has taken place, an adult can clarify the topic for the child. Here are some ways to help a child define "telling".

Assume that the child’s motivations for telling are positive.

• Is it necessary for an adult to help the child or can it be resolved on their own?  

• Is the reported behavior deliberate or is the inappropriate behavior an accident?  

• Do you think the offense is dangerous or harmless?  

• Is it a small deal or a big deal?  

• Is it done to get someone in trouble or to keep people safe?  

• Is someone hurt or might be hurt?

Tattling has a negative connotation. Telling is like witnessing a crime. It could be as simple as “they took my crayon” to “that man instructed me to keep a secret”. The statements need clarification, a rating of urgency, and an expectation of potential harm. You always want your kids to “tell” you when they have a problem, large or small.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist