7 Signs Your Child May Be Struggling With Bullying

Remember the words to this old song?

“School days, school days,

Dear old golden rule days.

Readin' and 'ritin' and 'rith-me-tic

Taught to the tune of a hick'ry stick.”

For parents, the return to school this fall signals the big shift from summer to the back-to-school season. My suggestion to you this fall: Don’t wait for your child to use the word bullying. Sometimes the behavior changes before the words do. As I write this monthly article, I recognize these signs in my younger self after being bullied and beaten up. It's amazing how after fifty years, I can still vividly remember having these feelings of despair and sadness along with these symptoms. When I was a kid, my Grandmother would tease me. She would say, “You are so shy that if someone were standing on your foot, you would not say a thing.” These tips are warning signs of more serious mental health issues to watch out for.

1. Your child suddenly doesn’t want to go to school. Frequent complaints of feeling sick, requests to stay home, or unusually anxious behavior about Monday mornings can be a warning sign. I desperately wanted to skip school after being beat up. Walking the halls at school with a black eye was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. Comments like " loser” followed me for days. It's not that they want to skip; it's just that it's hard to learn when you are scared.
2. Their friendships suddenly change. A child who normally talks about friends may stop mentioning them, lose a friendship unexpectedly, or seem increasingly isolated. After being beaten up by the alpha teen in my neighborhood group, I lost my circle of friends. My parents were great about pushing me to keep in contact with other friends in town because we all need a support system and a sense of belonging. Even with kids around, your child can feel alienated and lonely.
3. Your child has mood or behavior changes. Increased irritability, sadness, anger, withdrawal, or emotional outbursts can signal that something is happening at school. On the outside, your child may look the same, but inside, their emotions are in a whirlpool of despair, helplessness, and sadness. They are trying their best but may not have the tools to cope. Long talks and hugs go a long way in helping. 
4. They start avoiding certain places or activities. Pay attention if your child suddenly doesn’t want to ride the bus, go to the cafeteria, attend recess, participate in activities, or go to a particular class. Going to these places is difficult because your child knows the bullies lie in wait and the bullying will begin again. As much as you might tell them to “tough it out,” it's not that easy. After being beaten up and bullied, my Mom drove me to school every day so I didn't have to take the bus. I am not sure this helped. I wished and hoped that I had confidence and self-defense skills, but at that time I had none. 
5. Their school performance changes. Difficulty concentrating, missing assignments, declining grades, or losing interest in school can sometimes accompany social problems. It's difficult and nearly impossible to learn when you live in a state of terror. Bullying has many debilitating effects on kids and will result in a lack of concentration and, as a result, poor academic performance and grades. 
6. Your child becomes unusually quiet about their day. If “How was school?” used to generate stories and now gets a quick “fine,” gently ask more specific questions rather than assuming everything is okay. Withdrawal from family and friends is another warning sign.
7. Your child loses confidence or begins blaming themselves. Statements like “Nobody likes me,” “I’m stupid,” or “It’s probably my fault” deserve attention. Children experiencing repeated negative treatment may begin to internalize it. A child who is bullied may feel like it was their fault that this is happening to them.

An important point for parents: None of these signs automatically means your child is being bullied, but these are signals to slow down, listen, and start a conversation. Sometimes it's easier for your child to speak to a trusted uncle or aunt because it feels safer. Let's do whatever it takes to get your child talking about their feelings, and communication is key. If you think this situation warrants seeing a counselor or therapist, please take action. If you live in northeast Connecticut, I have the perfect person to recommend.

It's a long road back from being bullied. I have two proven suggestions. One: find your kids a bodyguard, not like a Secret Service escort or a person with aviator sunglasses, but a confident and respected student in their class who will stick up for them. Bystanders need to become upstanders.

Secondly, build your kids from the inside out. Confident kids don't get bullied. Your child needs a skill that will build their confidence. When a child excels in any given field, their confidence will grow (in time). I wish I had the confidence I have today back then. I was shy and quiet, but being a martial arts black belt has given me great confidence and saved my life. 

“These days, my motto is simple: there are two kinds of people in the world — people who know me, and people who want to know me.”

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist mikebogdanski.com