Adult Bullying

 

Do you know what happens to kids who are bullies when they grow up? Yes, they become adult bullies. I have often spoken of the hardships that bullying causes for children. Today, I wanted to talk about bullying and the harm it causes to adults.

One of my friends was a target of bullies all through his childhood. He hoped and wished that the bullying would stop once he reached adulthood, and mostly, it did. He recently prompted me to write on the issue of adult bullying and told me of some of the occasions when he was targeted as an adult.

Bullies don’t always trip you while walking down the hall, shove you into a locker, or call you names. Adult bullies sit across from you in a meeting, behind a keyboard, and even at a lunch meeting. Adult bullying is more subtle but can be just as demeaning and painful as when you were a kid.

Children who bully will use physical bullying by pushing, shoving, and hitting. Adult bullies use social bullying as their weapon and want to put you down, diminish your importance, dominate, and humiliate you.

Bully traits-

The first is verbal bullying- name-calling, sarcasm, and humiliation will become their primary weapon. They can be critical of even minor faults and nitpick you at every opportunity. They are intentionally hunting you to deliver a put-down, especially in front of your peers. You will hear them spreading rumors in the gossip mill to achieve their dominance, which is meant to tear a person down and infect your workplace. Sarcasm, whether big or small, always lets targets of the bully know they are being put in their place. 

Manipulation-

Adult bullies will justify their twisting of the truth to make their accomplishments the best ideas and diminish your efforts in order to build themselves up. They will look to hijack your success and put down your inadequacies any chance they get. Often, it is done on social media (through cyberbullying)or in a group setting to enhance the sting while surrounded by your friends, workers, or family.

Being passive-aggressive.

I think this is an easy trap to fall into. Adult bullies use techniques like the silent treatment, sabotaging your work, put-downs, and using flimsy excuses like, I was just kidding. Being threatened or existing in a climate of fear is very common. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to walk on eggshells to avoid the blatant anger of your bully?

Social exclusion-

This is common—excluding people from certain situations and creating cliques where one person is excluded.

Intimidation-

Adult bullies will use veiled or overt threats. You hear people comment, “You will pay for that.” Sometimes, it is an overly enthusiastic and hard slap on the back, a person leaning in too close, or a strong arm around your shoulder that signals not-so-subtle attempts at causing anxiety in their targets. 

The first thing you have to do is recognize it and work to stop it, not just for yourself but also for other people who may be targeted. Here are three powerful ways that I suggest that will empower you against an adult bully.

#1: “Ask, Are you okay?”

Say it slowly and calmly. Stand tall and make good eye contact. Remember, your physiology communicates more about your message than your words do. This phrase will catch them off guard and signal them that their behavior is not okay.

And most importantly, it denies them the reaction they are looking for.

#2: Ask questions of intent. 

“This sounds like…”

“Did you mean to embarrass me?”

“Did you mean for that to offend me?”

“Did you mean to upset me?”

You’re giving them a mirror to understand the consequences of their behavior. No matter how hard it is, bullies need to learn empathy.

#3: “Attention or insecurity?”

They’re going to ask, “What do you mean?”

You respond: “Did you say that to be hurtful, for attention, or because of some insecurity?”

It will make them think twice before saying something like that again.

There are many ways to deal with someone who bullies others, most of which depend on one's level of safety and support in one's environment. Use your best judgment and your support system.

It's important to remember that bullying is often a pattern of behavior, not just isolated incidents. Bullying is characterized by a power imbalance and the intent to harm, intimidate, or control the other person. If you are a target, you are giving off signals of vulnerability. You may be in a situation where it's impossible or difficult to defend yourself from your bully. 

Lastly, the bully triad consists of three people: the bully, the target, and the bystander. Try to enlist help from others (an upstander) to assist you in these situations. If the bullying continues and the problem does not change, you may have to leave the group you are involved with, whether it is work or a hobby. I hope this article helps.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist

Mikebogdanski.com

Talk To Your Kids About Bullies

Talking to your child about school bullies is an essential conversation as the new school year begins. For elementary and middle school-aged children, navigating social interactions can be challenging, and understanding how to handle bullying is crucial for their emotional well-being. Here’s how you can approach this sensitive topic.

1. Create a Safe Space for Conversation:

Start by establishing a safe and open environment where your child feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. During a quiet moment, such as after dinner, when your child is more likely to open up. Begin the conversation by asking general questions about their day at school, such as who they spent time with or what they enjoyed. A good way to start is by asking what was great today and then moving into what was bad today. Gradually steer the conversation toward friendships and peer interactions, making it clear that they can talk to you about anything, including uncomfortable situations.  It might be good to share a personal story from your youth.

2. Define Bullying Clearly:

It’s important to ensure your child understands what bullying is. Explain that bullying can take many forms—physical, verbal, or social—and can occur in person or online. Give age-appropriate examples, such as name-calling, spreading rumors, exclusion from groups, or physical aggression. Emphasize that bullying is repeated behavior intended to hurt someone, which is never the victim's fault.  Sometimes it’s not easy to see the bullying going on.

3. Point Out Real-Life Examples:

To help your child recognize bullying, point out situations you might witness daily. Whether it’s something you see while walking down the street, in a store, or even on television, use these moments as teaching opportunities. For example, if you see children being unkind to each other at a park, gently discuss what you observed with your child and ask how they think the victim might feel. These real-life examples make the concept of bullying more real and help your child to better understand and see similar situations they might encounter at school.

4. Encourage Empathy and Kindness:

Teach your child the importance of empathy by encouraging them to think about how others might feel. Discuss the value of being kind and standing up for peers who bullies may target. Role-playing scenarios can be a helpful way to practice responses to bullying, whether your child witnesses it or experiences it themselves. Reinforce the idea that everyone deserves to feel safe and respected at school.

5. Empower Them with Strategies:

Equip your child with strategies to deal with bullies. Encourage them to stay calm, assertively tell the bully to stop, and walk away if possible.  One of the best skills you can practice is teaching your child to stand assertively, hands open, make good eye contact, and if feeling physically threatened, strongly repeat “Back away”!  This skill can be practiced daily almost like a game until it is embedded in your child.

Emphasize the importance of seeking help from a trusted adult, such as a teacher, school counselor, or trusted adult, if they feel threatened or uncomfortable. Let them know that reporting bullying is not tattling; it’s the responsible way to protect themselves and others. If they don’t help stop bullies, the terror tactics will just continue.

6. Stay Involved and Follow Up:

Maintain an ongoing conversation about your child’s experiences at school. Regularly check in to see how they are doing and if they have encountered any bullying.   To personalize an experience, share your bullying memories and how you dealt with it.  

Stay in touch with teachers and school staff to monitor any problem situation and ensure that your child feels supported. Your involvement can make a significant difference in helping your child navigate bullying effectively.

By keeping communication open, educating your child about bullying, and equipping them with the tools to handle difficult situations, you can help them feel more confident and secure as they navigate the school's social landscape. 

 These tips will help by addressing bullying before it happens.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist.

Mikebogdanski.com

Empowering Strategies for Kids Bullied on the Bus

 

Empowering Strategies for Kids Bullied on the Bus

A five-year-old we know often complains of being bullied and harassed on the bus along with other children. The bullies on a school bus have a captive audience, including a driver who is focused on the road. I have a few tips for dealing with bullying on the school bus. Now that your child is in a contained environment with a ride that can last up to 30 minutes and longer, with very little supervision, you can see why buses are one of the top places where bullying takes place. Being bullied on the school bus is a scary experience for children, impacting their emotional well-being and overall school experience. To help empower kids facing this challenge, here are four effective strategies they can employ:

Confidence Building:

1. One of the most powerful weapons against bullying is self-confidence. Encourage your child when entering the bus to stand tall, make eye contact, and project confidence. Bullies often target those they perceive as vulnerable, and a confident demeanor can deter potential aggressors.  Over sixty percent of communication is nonverbal and, practicing assertive body language, and having a warrior face (if needed) can help your child feel more in control and less susceptible to intimidation.  Like any other skill, this needs rehearsal as a tool against bullies who are looking to make intimidation their game.  Even small people can have a “you can’t defeat me” attitude.  

Establish Support Networks:

2. Creating a support network can significantly help a child facing bullying. Encourage your child to identify friends or peers on the bus who may be experiencing similar challenges. Strength lies in numbers, and having allies can provide emotional support and deter bullies. Many years ago we had a similar situation with a kindergarten karate student.  We had a black-belt eighth grader on the same bus who addressed the bullies—no more problems.  When a bystander sticks up for a child being bullied, the bullying stops in thirty seconds or less, over 80 percent of the time. 

Communication with school staff and teachers ensures that adults know the situation and must intervene appropriately.  Telling the bus driver is not being a tattle-tale, it is reporting a breach of school policy.  Establishing a sense of teamwork with friends both on the bus and within the school environment reinforces the idea that no one should endure bullying alone and yes sometimes we may need a bodyguard. 

Utilize Technological Tools:

3. Technology can be a powerful ally in combating bullying in the digital age. Encourage older children to use their smartphones (if they are old enough) to discreetly document instances of bullying through photos, videos, or voice recordings. This evidence can be crucial when reporting incidents to school authorities, providing concrete proof of the behavior. Additionally, there are various safety apps available that allow children to send distress signals or share their location with trusted contacts in real-time. These tools can empower kids to take control of their safety and find help when needed.

Develop Conflict Resolution Skills:

4. Teaching children effective conflict resolution skills equips them to handle bullying situations with poise and intelligence. Encourage your child to practice assertive communication, express their feelings, and set boundaries calmly. Role-playing scenarios and teaching a child to remain calm with long slow breaths are helpful.  Saying “back away” with a strong voice and good eye contact is the million-dollar defense. Rehearsing this with your children will make them feel more prepared and confident in addressing bullying situations. Also, teaching empathy to your child, allows them to be an upstander instead of a bystander fosters a “no bullying”  community, and promotes a positive and inclusive environment on the bus.

Encourage your child to practice positive self-talk. Make sure they know they have your support and that you are always available to listen. Finally, remind them that they are strong and can stand up for themselves if needed.

By implementing these strategies, children can develop the resilience and skills needed to navigate the challenges of being bullied or watching bullying on the bus. Empowering them to build confidence, establish support networks, leverage technology responsibly, and develop conflict resolution skills will contribute to a safer and more positive school bus experience.  There is no easy solution to this problem.

Mike Bogdanski 

America’s Anti-bully