Adult Bullying

 

Do you know what happens to kids who are bullies when they grow up? Yes, they become adult bullies. I have often spoken of the hardships that bullying causes for children. Today, I wanted to talk about bullying and the harm it causes to adults.

One of my friends was a target of bullies all through his childhood. He hoped and wished that the bullying would stop once he reached adulthood, and mostly, it did. He recently prompted me to write on the issue of adult bullying and told me of some of the occasions when he was targeted as an adult.

Bullies don’t always trip you while walking down the hall, shove you into a locker, or call you names. Adult bullies sit across from you in a meeting, behind a keyboard, and even at a lunch meeting. Adult bullying is more subtle but can be just as demeaning and painful as when you were a kid.

Children who bully will use physical bullying by pushing, shoving, and hitting. Adult bullies use social bullying as their weapon and want to put you down, diminish your importance, dominate, and humiliate you.

Bully traits-

The first is verbal bullying- name-calling, sarcasm, and humiliation will become their primary weapon. They can be critical of even minor faults and nitpick you at every opportunity. They are intentionally hunting you to deliver a put-down, especially in front of your peers. You will hear them spreading rumors in the gossip mill to achieve their dominance, which is meant to tear a person down and infect your workplace. Sarcasm, whether big or small, always lets targets of the bully know they are being put in their place. 

Manipulation-

Adult bullies will justify their twisting of the truth to make their accomplishments the best ideas and diminish your efforts in order to build themselves up. They will look to hijack your success and put down your inadequacies any chance they get. Often, it is done on social media (through cyberbullying)or in a group setting to enhance the sting while surrounded by your friends, workers, or family.

Being passive-aggressive.

I think this is an easy trap to fall into. Adult bullies use techniques like the silent treatment, sabotaging your work, put-downs, and using flimsy excuses like, I was just kidding. Being threatened or existing in a climate of fear is very common. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to walk on eggshells to avoid the blatant anger of your bully?

Social exclusion-

This is common—excluding people from certain situations and creating cliques where one person is excluded.

Intimidation-

Adult bullies will use veiled or overt threats. You hear people comment, “You will pay for that.” Sometimes, it is an overly enthusiastic and hard slap on the back, a person leaning in too close, or a strong arm around your shoulder that signals not-so-subtle attempts at causing anxiety in their targets. 

The first thing you have to do is recognize it and work to stop it, not just for yourself but also for other people who may be targeted. Here are three powerful ways that I suggest that will empower you against an adult bully.

#1: “Ask, Are you okay?”

Say it slowly and calmly. Stand tall and make good eye contact. Remember, your physiology communicates more about your message than your words do. This phrase will catch them off guard and signal them that their behavior is not okay.

And most importantly, it denies them the reaction they are looking for.

#2: Ask questions of intent. 

“This sounds like…”

“Did you mean to embarrass me?”

“Did you mean for that to offend me?”

“Did you mean to upset me?”

You’re giving them a mirror to understand the consequences of their behavior. No matter how hard it is, bullies need to learn empathy.

#3: “Attention or insecurity?”

They’re going to ask, “What do you mean?”

You respond: “Did you say that to be hurtful, for attention, or because of some insecurity?”

It will make them think twice before saying something like that again.

There are many ways to deal with someone who bullies others, most of which depend on one's level of safety and support in one's environment. Use your best judgment and your support system.

It's important to remember that bullying is often a pattern of behavior, not just isolated incidents. Bullying is characterized by a power imbalance and the intent to harm, intimidate, or control the other person. If you are a target, you are giving off signals of vulnerability. You may be in a situation where it's impossible or difficult to defend yourself from your bully. 

Lastly, the bully triad consists of three people: the bully, the target, and the bystander. Try to enlist help from others (an upstander) to assist you in these situations. If the bullying continues and the problem does not change, you may have to leave the group you are involved with, whether it is work or a hobby. I hope this article helps.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist

Mikebogdanski.com