Build Some Grit!

 

As a kid, I was painfully shy and quiet. I hated my lack of confidence and had no idea how to change it, and it took me many years to learn the skills I will share in this article. Once I decided to tackle success, I learned that teaching traits like grit, perseverance, an indomitable spirit, and a non-quitting attitude isn't easy.

How many of us have started something, couldn't follow through, and gave up too early? The answer: all of us.

Here are my tips for building emotional and mental strength in your children (and yourself).

1. Believe it's not failure; it's a learning opportunity: Reframe mistakes, not as signs of weakness or lack of ability, but as natural, essential steps in the learning process. When children realize that failure is temporary, they become less afraid to tackle challenges. Thomas Edison's most famous quote on failure is, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

2. If you can't praise the skill, praise the effort: Focus feedback on hard work, strategy, and perseverance rather than fixed traits like intelligence or natural talent. I believe kids who fail and come back are stronger in the long run. Compliment children with phrases like "I love how hard you tried to solve that problem" or "super effort" to foster a growth mindset and help build internal motivation.

3. Create a safe space for mistakes: Parents must resist the urge to immediately step in and solve every problem for their child (look up “lawnmower parenting"). Encourage them to brainstorm solutions, explore options, and experience the natural consequences of their choices within safe boundaries. It's not if you fail; it's what you do with it after.

4. Model perseverance in your own life: Children learn more from what parents do than what they say. Share your dreams and setbacks, talk through how you handle stress or frustration, and show constructive ways to bounce back when things don't go as planned. Take a minute to pause and teach methodical thinking.  It's like searching with a grid—you just take it one step at a time.

5. Teach emotional strength: Grit requires managing tough emotions like frustration, anxiety, and disappointment. Help children identify these feelings with active listening, teach calming techniques, using slow, deep breaths or counting the seconds to refocus --(“breathe in 1-2-3-4-5. Breathe out 1-2-3-4-5.”). And strive to separate emotional responses from actions.

6. Encourage "The Power of Yet" (I love this one):

Help kids reframe negative self-talk by adding this one magic word: "yet." Transforming "I can't do this" into "I can't do this yet" instills the belief that abilities develop over time with practice, perseverance, and patience.

7. Promote long-term commitments and planning: Parents, encourage involvement in activities that require sustained effort over time. When I taught a martial arts introductory class for a new student, I would tell them, "This is your first day on your journey to becoming a black belt," setting them on a multi-year long-term mission. Crossing the finish line on a multi-month or multi-year goal teaches the value of delayed, long-term gratification. Setting and achieving short- and long-term goals is important and essential to everything in life. That is why, as an instructor, I would set monthly check-ins and quarterly tests for students. A person on a journey has to check the map regularly to make sure they are on course. When a pilot sets off from New York to LA, even a slight deviation can put you in San Diego or San Francisco.

8. Foster strong, supportive relationships: Resilience isn't built in isolation; it thrives when your team supports you. One of my favorite sayings is: "Champions don't always need to be told what to do, just reminded what to do." Kids with an unconditional emotional safety net at home have the confidence to step out of their comfort zone and take healthy risks. Teach kids you never truly fail until you quit.

9. Break down intimidating goals into small steps: Complex challenges can overwhelm a child and make them quit before they start. Teach them to break big tasks into manageable, bite-sized goals so they can celebrate small wins along the way. (Do you know how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.)

10. Build physical and mental stamina: Physical well-being directly impacts emotional strength. Ensure that kids get adequate sleep, regular movement, and healthy nutrition, while guarding against overscheduling, so they have time to recharge and reflect. The goal is "everything in balance."

I recommend this book wholeheartedly: Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by psychologist Angela Duckworth, who tells us that the secret to outstanding achievement isn't natural talent, but a combination of passion, perseverance, and future focus. Duckworth describes the following traits as being essential:

Talent vs. Effort: Talent counts once, but effort counts twice—making persistence the ultimate driver of success.

Growth: Grit is not a fixed trait; you can learn and grow it regardless of your IQ or background.

Real-World Examples: Duckworth examines high achievers from West Point cadets and National Spelling Bee finalists to business leaders and coaches to communicate some profound conclusions.

It's time to build some grit!

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and Ant-bully activist

7 Signs Your Child May Be Struggling With Bullying

Remember the words to this old song?

“School days, school days,

Dear old golden rule days.

Readin' and 'ritin' and 'rith-me-tic

Taught to the tune of a hick'ry stick.”

For parents, the return to school this fall signals the big shift from summer to the back-to-school season. My suggestion to you this fall: Don’t wait for your child to use the word bullying. Sometimes the behavior changes before the words do. As I write this monthly article, I recognize these signs in my younger self after being bullied and beaten up. It's amazing how after fifty years, I can still vividly remember having these feelings of despair and sadness along with these symptoms. When I was a kid, my Grandmother would tease me. She would say, “You are so shy that if someone were standing on your foot, you would not say a thing.” These tips are warning signs of more serious mental health issues to watch out for.

1. Your child suddenly doesn’t want to go to school. Frequent complaints of feeling sick, requests to stay home, or unusually anxious behavior about Monday mornings can be a warning sign. I desperately wanted to skip school after being beat up. Walking the halls at school with a black eye was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. Comments like " loser” followed me for days. It's not that they want to skip; it's just that it's hard to learn when you are scared.
2. Their friendships suddenly change. A child who normally talks about friends may stop mentioning them, lose a friendship unexpectedly, or seem increasingly isolated. After being beaten up by the alpha teen in my neighborhood group, I lost my circle of friends. My parents were great about pushing me to keep in contact with other friends in town because we all need a support system and a sense of belonging. Even with kids around, your child can feel alienated and lonely.
3. Your child has mood or behavior changes. Increased irritability, sadness, anger, withdrawal, or emotional outbursts can signal that something is happening at school. On the outside, your child may look the same, but inside, their emotions are in a whirlpool of despair, helplessness, and sadness. They are trying their best but may not have the tools to cope. Long talks and hugs go a long way in helping. 
4. They start avoiding certain places or activities. Pay attention if your child suddenly doesn’t want to ride the bus, go to the cafeteria, attend recess, participate in activities, or go to a particular class. Going to these places is difficult because your child knows the bullies lie in wait and the bullying will begin again. As much as you might tell them to “tough it out,” it's not that easy. After being beaten up and bullied, my Mom drove me to school every day so I didn't have to take the bus. I am not sure this helped. I wished and hoped that I had confidence and self-defense skills, but at that time I had none. 
5. Their school performance changes. Difficulty concentrating, missing assignments, declining grades, or losing interest in school can sometimes accompany social problems. It's difficult and nearly impossible to learn when you live in a state of terror. Bullying has many debilitating effects on kids and will result in a lack of concentration and, as a result, poor academic performance and grades. 
6. Your child becomes unusually quiet about their day. If “How was school?” used to generate stories and now gets a quick “fine,” gently ask more specific questions rather than assuming everything is okay. Withdrawal from family and friends is another warning sign.
7. Your child loses confidence or begins blaming themselves. Statements like “Nobody likes me,” “I’m stupid,” or “It’s probably my fault” deserve attention. Children experiencing repeated negative treatment may begin to internalize it. A child who is bullied may feel like it was their fault that this is happening to them.

An important point for parents: None of these signs automatically means your child is being bullied, but these are signals to slow down, listen, and start a conversation. Sometimes it's easier for your child to speak to a trusted uncle or aunt because it feels safer. Let's do whatever it takes to get your child talking about their feelings, and communication is key. If you think this situation warrants seeing a counselor or therapist, please take action. If you live in northeast Connecticut, I have the perfect person to recommend.

It's a long road back from being bullied. I have two proven suggestions. One: find your kids a bodyguard, not like a Secret Service escort or a person with aviator sunglasses, but a confident and respected student in their class who will stick up for them. Bystanders need to become upstanders.

Secondly, build your kids from the inside out. Confident kids don't get bullied. Your child needs a skill that will build their confidence. When a child excels in any given field, their confidence will grow (in time). I wish I had the confidence I have today back then. I was shy and quiet, but being a martial arts black belt has given me great confidence and saved my life. 

“These days, my motto is simple: there are two kinds of people in the world — people who know me, and people who want to know me.”

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist mikebogdanski.com

"Navigating Screen Time: Healthy Habits for Kids"

While waiting in a long line at the grocery store, I had time to do some people-watching. Many of the patrons were moms with their kids, and what I noticed was the amount of screen time nearly every child was immersed in, watching videos or playing video games. I know, as a parent and grandparent, that the phone is an easy go-to babysitter when a child is getting restless, and you are tired and frustrated. If your child weren't using your phone, you might start scrolling to pass the time. In this column, I wanted to talk about creating healthy habits to navigate excess screen time for kids (and maybe you, too).

Screens are inevitable. With this powerful device, we can call, email, text, check the weather, track gas points, take photos, check social media, manage our appointments, place our Amazon order, pay our bills, and get the answer to any question in the universe. How did we ever manage before smartphones? And the downside- Scrolling at night ruins your sleep, helps you become sedentary, and adds to your depression. Can you imagine what it is doing to our kids during their developmental years?

It's all about balance. I think you would agree, the phone is addictive!

The American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes limiting screen time based on age, prioritizing high-quality, interactive content, and avoiding screens for children under 18-24 months, except for video chatting.

Key recommendations include:

1. <18 months: Avoid digital media, except video chat.
2. 18–24 months: Limit to high-quality, educational programming.
3. 2–5 years: Max 1 hour per day of high-quality, educational, co-viewed content.
4. 6+ years: Set consistent limits to ensure adequate sleep, exercise, and schoolwork.

Different developmental stages have different needs:

∙ Toddlers/preschoolers: minimal screens, co-viewing

essential

∙ Elementary age: structured educational content

∙ Tweens/teens: social connection becomes important, and

boundaries are absolutely needed

Is it essential to be technologically literate? Yes! Technology helps us learn more, learn faster, and more efficiently. Our learning curve has been exponential because of it, and now with AI, watch out. The problem becomes the time and balance with moving your body and the emotional connections we need through relationships. I just read that Gen Z is turning to AI for counseling and companionship. Dating is down, new relationships are down, and anxiety is up. It's time to step back and take a strong look at what we are doing.

Active versus passive consumption. My wife and I are big readers, and we love getting our fix in the library. We chat with the great library staff, enjoy various programs they put on, and leave with an armful of books. If you or your kids scroll endlessly with no end in sight, you are wasting time and letting screen time become addictive.

Create Healthy Screen Habits

Having clear and reasonable rules for viewing is necessary. Let's establish clear boundaries for your kids:

∙ Screen-free zones (dinner table, bedrooms- a must)

∙ Screen-free times (first hour after waking, last hour

before bed)

∙ Tech-free family time

∙ Prioritize content quality

∙ Educational and creative apps over mindless scrolling

∙ Co-viewing and co-playing when possible

∙ Age-appropriate content

∙ Video calls with family vs. passive viewing

∙ Interactive learning vs. auto-play videos (I personally have been using Duolingo to brush up my Polish.

Model healthy behavior:

∙ Parents be role models for balanced use

∙ Emphasize active vs. passive consumption

∙ Teach critical thinking about online content

Physical activities are essential for a child's development, motor skills, emotional intelligence, and creativity are built thru through nature and hands-on play. Rather than a total digital ban, aim to integrate technology as a tool.

To maintain balance, establish a "limited screen time as a reward" system, co-create a family media plan, and designate daily "blackout" hours. Embracing unstructured "boredom/free thinking" is vital to developing your child's independence and creative spirit.

I want to warn you that the ever-present threat of cyberbullying and online predators must always be a concern. Tablet use is an open invitation to anyone in the world to hack into your child's life if you don't keep a close eye on it. Monitoring electronics is not an invasion of your child's privacy; it's your responsibility to keep them safe. Parental control apps are available to help filter content, control screen time, and generate activity reports. You can even flag mood and behavioral changes, and get bullying alerts. Never, I repeat never, let your kids take tech to bed.

Can your kids escape the screen? The answer is yes and no. To use the philosophy of moderation is the perfect answer. Having firm criteria will help you balance everything. Just like Goldilocks, there can be too much, too little, and just right. Assessing this proportional use by your child's age will be a never-ending question. If you are asking, "Is it too much?" The answer is probably yes. Be your child's guide to a healthy but guarded relationship with tech.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.

See The Good In Every Day- By Mike Bogdanski

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.

With these fun holidays upon us, I think of the great gift we all share: living in the quiet corner.

Having traveled across the country, I've observed the subtle yet distinct differences that characterize our various regions. From the intense cold experienced in states like Minnesota to the significant heat and humidity of Florida and the unique desert landscapes of Arizona, these regional variations are undeniable.

It's interesting to note that if you were to view our part of the country on Google Earth, you would see a continuous streak of light stretching from Boston to New York. However, there's a particular exception: a noticeable dark area right here in northeast Connecticut where our little towns are uniquely quieter.

When I was in college in the Hartford area, and I drove out here with my friends, they would comment, "You can't get there from here," because we had to leave the highway to take Route 44 to Northeast CT. Over the years, I have heard people say that Connecticut was just a bathroom stop on the drive from New York City to Boston, but they also commented on the Gold Coast of Stamford and Greenwich, where all the wealthy people lived. I now disagree.

Growing up in Norwich, we rarely traveled up this way, and I never knew there were actually towns above Jewett City. Now, in each year of my life, I feel like the Quiet Corner enriches us with so many gems that we are rich beyond belief. I think we live a "Goldilocks" lifestyle here. Not too big, or too small, never too hot or too cold, rural but not isolated, historic, yet filled with action, and to me, it's just right.

Here are just some of the many things we delight in here.

The scenery encompasses the natural and the man-made: not only the lush lakes, the rich greenness (according to my son, who lives in the dry scrub of LA) of summer trees and grass, the stunning colors of fall, and the rolling hills filled with numerous stone walls, but also the town greens, the beauty of our parks, the church steeples, and even a boxcar museum—an absolutely charming combination. Sometimes I feel like we live in a storybook rather than a historical museum, even though we have those here, too.

I could be tempted by warm winters down south because I live to celebrate our summers by eating outside at the Vanilla Bean, swimming in a warm pool, and watching fireworks on the Fourth of July. I love fall's brilliant colors, and we even have our own pumpkin fest and zombie fashion show.

We celebrate the winter with a Disney-esque light parade that delights residents of all ages, and get our photo taken in the giant Christmas ornament in Rotary Park. Putnam's downtown is still Connecticut's antique mecca. I personally love browsing these stores, even though I only collect vintage comics. After the hard reset of winter, we glory in the spring with the blooming of tulips and daffodils as the earth warms and our season of rebirth occurs. My wife says this is the best time to visit her special Woodstock nursery to ready our yard for summer.

We even have a local celebrity mayor who, in March, dresses in his St. Patrick's best and does the Macarena with everyone at the senior dances. Local, kind, and genuine people donate generously and give their time willingly to so many great causes, like a food and clothing bank. We have great local libraries and even celebrity local radio station owners who take immense pride in our local towns.

Northeast Connecticut has a 15-Minute Rule: You are 15 minutes from a cow pasture and 15 minutes from an artisanal coffee shop, vineyard, or brewery. In minutes, you can be in our local playhouse or throwing axes just down the road. We delight in the talent of our local musicians and artists, and we even have a giant mural fest to look forward to.

Over the years, many young adults told me they are chomping at the bit to leave northeast CT and go where the action is. Often, many of them gladly return here once they have a family and want the comfort and safety that our beloved, quiet corner offers. They tell me they missed the smell of fireplaces burning and fresh-cut grass. The ocean is only an hour away and not a plane ride. We don't live in the land of hedge funds and high-stress commuting; we live in a place that is affordable, unpretentious, friendly, and community-oriented. If you need more culture, it is a very short hop to Boston and New York City.

I hope you love this area as much as I do and you agree with the points I have made. I happen to be one of the luckiest people I know because we have great children, loving grandchildren, and many, many dear friends. I enjoy quotes, and here are a few of my favorites: "Success is getting what you want." Happiness is wanting what you get.” Yes, I love northeast CT, and you can paint me with "an attitude of gratitude.” Other parts of the country might be bigger, warmer, or busier, but I think Putnam is "just right.”

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.

😠 To Belittle is to Be Little: The Core Insecurity of the Bully

 Having studied bullying for decades, my background in psychology has given me a deep look into the aggressor's mindset. The simple truth is this: when a person puts someone else down, they are almost always trying to elevate themselves. Bullying is definitely a harmful, desperate attempt to feel powerful, manage deep insecurity, and dominate a person or a social group.

As my father used to call it, it's a form of "dirty pool"—a tactic where attacking a rival makes the aggressor feel momentarily taller, stronger, and in control. Here’s a breakdown of the psychological and social forces that drive this awful behavior.

Psychological Motivations for Bullying

The root of most aggression lives within the bully's internal psychological state:

* Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: I believe this is the most common fuel for bullies. Criticizing or humiliating others because they think it elevates their own social status and provides a sense of superiority and control that they otherwise lack. Bullies are motivated and driven to pass on put-downs to elevate themselves. 

* The Need for Power and Control: 

Bullying is fundamentally about establishing dominance. People who feel powerless or out of control in other aspects of their lives (often at home or school) seek to regain that sense of control by exerting power over a perceived weaker target/victim. They put others down to remind themselves and their target, who is "in charge."

* Emotional Bolstering (Projection): 

Some individuals lack healthy coping skills for managing difficult emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. They project these negative feelings onto others through aggression, using the victim as the object of their highly emotional release.

* Modeling and Learned Behavior: 

Bullying is often learned behavior. Studies show that people model these harmful behaviors from their environment—whether from loud or aggressive parents, observing sibling or friend high-octane arguments, or constant exposure to violence in media. They put others down because they have seen it be an effective (and harmful) technique to browbeat targets and get what they want.

Social and Environmental Factors

The environment often reinforces and rewards the bully’s behavior:

* Social Status and Acceptance: In certain peer groups, putting others down (especially those who look, sound, or act differently or are unpopular) can be seen as a way to gain popularity or maintain social standing. The aggressor wants to be viewed as "tough" or "cool" by their friends.

* Conformity and Group Dynamics: Bullying often becomes a group activity. Individuals may join in or escalate the put-downs to fit in with a dominant clique or to avoid becoming the next target. This fear of social exclusion fuels the mob mentality.

* Lack of Empathy: A person's inability to understand, share, or express feelings is a key factor. This challenge allows the aggressor to inflict pain and cause emotional harm without feeling guilt or remorse.

What Parents and Adults Can Do

If your child is showing aggressive behavior or is a target, focused intervention and support are critical:

If Your Child is the Aggressor/Bully:

* Highlight and Demonstrate Empathy: Parents and influential adults must model empathy in their own lives. Help your child experience what it is like to “walk in their victim's shoes.” Teaching them how to apologize sincerely is a foundational step in minimizing the harm they cause.

If Your Child is the Target:

* Provide Immediate Support: Let your child know that the bullying is not their fault. Check in regularly and offer unwavering support. Acknowledge that anger is a natural feeling, but violence is not the answer. (As a helpful mnemonic, I've often recommended to children that placing the letter "D" in front of the word "anger" - spells D-A-N-G-E-R).

> Note: We know from tragic events like Columbine that years of emotional abuse can lead some targets to extreme violence. Early intervention is paramount.

* Teach Assertiveness: Bullies often seek out quiet, passive targets. Praise your child's assertive actions and efforts. We must help them build their confidence through practice and competence. In the future, I will provide you with tips on how to help your child build courage and confidence. Assertiveness is a powerful deterrent. Bullies are looking for people who look vulnerable. 

In essence, while the bully's actions are focused externally—putting others down, instilling fear, or committing violence—the primary “juice” they seek is an internal feeling of superiority, control, and acceptance.

You likely know people like this. I certainly do, and I've been a target myself. Let's work together to achieve two goals: to teach empathy and to develop the assertiveness necessary to prevent this emotionally damaging and dangerous behavior.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is an anti-bully activist and martial arts Grandmaster

Beware of Bullying Hotspots

 

With school back in session for a month now, we must again address new or repeated instances of bullying going on. When teaching self-defense against bullies, I always start with the A-B-C’s. “A” stands for awareness and being vigilant in areas where bullying is likely to occur. 

Bullying at school often occurs in specific locations, known as "hot spots," where there is less adult supervision. These areas can vary by school, but common hot spots include:

* Hallways and Stairwells: These are high-traffic, transitional areas where supervision is often limited, making them prime locations for bullying.

* Bathrooms and Locker Rooms: Due to a lack of adult presence, bullies frequently use these spaces as target-rich opportunity areas where bad situations can happen out of the view of teachers.

* Playgrounds and Athletic Fields: While often supervised, these areas can be large, allowing for incidents to occur out of a teacher's line of sight. What seems like casual interaction, or “play,” can become a problem area.

* Lunchrooms/Cafeterias: The noise and large crowds can make it difficult for staff to notice and intervene in bullying incidents. It becomes much harder to identify in the middle of a large group of children interacting.

* Classrooms (when the teacher is distracted): Bullying can also happen during moments of transition or when the teacher has left the room.

These physical locations are often where direct, in-person bullying, such as bodily harm, name-calling, or social exclusion, takes place.

Here is my recommendation. Using a buddy system can be a critical fix in many bullying situations. Bullies often look for kids who are isolated or alone. With a (confident) buddy, your child is less likely to be picked on, and both buddies can stand up for each other. If your child has the opportunity to use a friend to stand up for them actively, this will reduce the incidents of bullying. Now this is the time to address the “B and C” of self-defense. First, take a deep (B) breath and (C) communicate with confidence. I suggest role-playing assertive responses, such as “back away”. This method is a simple, confident, and rehearsed script, accompanied by a confident stance and eye contact. To excel at this, you and your child will need plenty of practice. Repetition creates success.

Cyberbullying (the silent method of bullying)

Cyberbullying is a form of bullying that occurs through digital devices, such as cell phones, computers, and tablets. It can happen on social media platforms, through text messages, or in online gaming environments. Many schools are banning cellphone use or planning to ban use. Several studies I have read see this as a win-win opportunity for teachers and students. Don't worry, in these cases, phones may be brought to school and just “parked” in the classroom. 

Cyberbullying is particularly harmful because it can be:

* Persistent: Digital devices provide a constant channel for communication, making it difficult for a victim to find relief.

* Permanent: Most information shared online can be permanent and public, making it hard to erase and potentially impacting a person's reputation in the long term.

* Anonymous: The anonymity of the internet can embolden bullies and make it difficult for victims to identify their tormentors. 

* 24-7. Kids used to be able to go home and escape their bullies. Due to the digital world we live in, it's challenging to avoid being constantly bombarded with this style of harassment.

Statistics and Prevention

Cyberbullying rates have increased significantly, particularly since the rise of social media and increased time spent online. Studies show that a substantial percentage of students have experienced cyberbullying, with girls often being more likely than boys to be victims.

Some common types of cyberbullying include:

* Mean or hurtful comments: Posting negative remarks about someone online.

* Spreading rumors: Sharing false or embarrassing information.

* Exclusion: Intentionally leaving someone out of a group chat or online activity.

* Sharing private information/Outing: Leaking personal photos or information without consent. Telling about a person’s private sexual orientation and “outing” a person.

Prevention strategies for cyberbullying focus on a combination of awareness, education, and intervention:

* Educate kids: Teach them about responsible online behavior, the permanence of digital content, and the importance of thinking before they post.

* Encourage reporting: Let kids know they should tell a trusted adult, like a parent or teacher, if they are being cyberbullied or see someone being bullied. Let's teach kids that it's right to report bullying, as it's a violation of school policy and is not considered tattling.

* Block and report: Advise victims to block the bully's account and report the incident to the platform or app administrators. Tell your teachers and principal. Even though this may occur outside of school, the administration may have a school policy in place to address this issue. 

* Open communication: Maintain open conversations with children about their online activities and friendships to build trust and ensure they feel comfortable coming to you if a problem arises.

Bullying is going on in schools every day. It is wrong and not a rite of passage. Let's arm our kids with knowledge.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.