😠 To Belittle is to Be Little: The Core Insecurity of the Bully

 Having studied bullying for decades, my background in psychology has given me a deep look into the aggressor's mindset. The simple truth is this: when a person puts someone else down, they are almost always trying to elevate themselves. Bullying is definitely a harmful, desperate attempt to feel powerful, manage deep insecurity, and dominate a person or a social group.

As my father used to call it, it's a form of "dirty pool"—a tactic where attacking a rival makes the aggressor feel momentarily taller, stronger, and in control. Here’s a breakdown of the psychological and social forces that drive this awful behavior.

Psychological Motivations for Bullying

The root of most aggression lives within the bully's internal psychological state:

* Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: I believe this is the most common fuel for bullies. Criticizing or humiliating others because they think it elevates their own social status and provides a sense of superiority and control that they otherwise lack. Bullies are motivated and driven to pass on put-downs to elevate themselves. 

* The Need for Power and Control: 

Bullying is fundamentally about establishing dominance. People who feel powerless or out of control in other aspects of their lives (often at home or school) seek to regain that sense of control by exerting power over a perceived weaker target/victim. They put others down to remind themselves and their target, who is "in charge."

* Emotional Bolstering (Projection): 

Some individuals lack healthy coping skills for managing difficult emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. They project these negative feelings onto others through aggression, using the victim as the object of their highly emotional release.

* Modeling and Learned Behavior: 

Bullying is often learned behavior. Studies show that people model these harmful behaviors from their environment—whether from loud or aggressive parents, observing sibling or friend high-octane arguments, or constant exposure to violence in media. They put others down because they have seen it be an effective (and harmful) technique to browbeat targets and get what they want.

Social and Environmental Factors

The environment often reinforces and rewards the bully’s behavior:

* Social Status and Acceptance: In certain peer groups, putting others down (especially those who look, sound, or act differently or are unpopular) can be seen as a way to gain popularity or maintain social standing. The aggressor wants to be viewed as "tough" or "cool" by their friends.

* Conformity and Group Dynamics: Bullying often becomes a group activity. Individuals may join in or escalate the put-downs to fit in with a dominant clique or to avoid becoming the next target. This fear of social exclusion fuels the mob mentality.

* Lack of Empathy: A person's inability to understand, share, or express feelings is a key factor. This challenge allows the aggressor to inflict pain and cause emotional harm without feeling guilt or remorse.

What Parents and Adults Can Do

If your child is showing aggressive behavior or is a target, focused intervention and support are critical:

If Your Child is the Aggressor/Bully:

* Highlight and Demonstrate Empathy: Parents and influential adults must model empathy in their own lives. Help your child experience what it is like to “walk in their victim's shoes.” Teaching them how to apologize sincerely is a foundational step in minimizing the harm they cause.

If Your Child is the Target:

* Provide Immediate Support: Let your child know that the bullying is not their fault. Check in regularly and offer unwavering support. Acknowledge that anger is a natural feeling, but violence is not the answer. (As a helpful mnemonic, I've often recommended to children that placing the letter "D" in front of the word "anger" - spells D-A-N-G-E-R).

> Note: We know from tragic events like Columbine that years of emotional abuse can lead some targets to extreme violence. Early intervention is paramount.

* Teach Assertiveness: Bullies often seek out quiet, passive targets. Praise your child's assertive actions and efforts. We must help them build their confidence through practice and competence. In the future, I will provide you with tips on how to help your child build courage and confidence. Assertiveness is a powerful deterrent. Bullies are looking for people who look vulnerable. 

In essence, while the bully's actions are focused externally—putting others down, instilling fear, or committing violence—the primary “juice” they seek is an internal feeling of superiority, control, and acceptance.

You likely know people like this. I certainly do, and I've been a target myself. Let's work together to achieve two goals: to teach empathy and to develop the assertiveness necessary to prevent this emotionally damaging and dangerous behavior.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is an anti-bully activist and martial arts Grandmaster

Adult Bullying

 

Do you know what happens to kids who are bullies when they grow up? Yes, they become adult bullies. I have often spoken of the hardships that bullying causes for children. Today, I wanted to talk about bullying and the harm it causes to adults.

One of my friends was a target of bullies all through his childhood. He hoped and wished that the bullying would stop once he reached adulthood, and mostly, it did. He recently prompted me to write on the issue of adult bullying and told me of some of the occasions when he was targeted as an adult.

Bullies don’t always trip you while walking down the hall, shove you into a locker, or call you names. Adult bullies sit across from you in a meeting, behind a keyboard, and even at a lunch meeting. Adult bullying is more subtle but can be just as demeaning and painful as when you were a kid.

Children who bully will use physical bullying by pushing, shoving, and hitting. Adult bullies use social bullying as their weapon and want to put you down, diminish your importance, dominate, and humiliate you.

Bully traits-

The first is verbal bullying- name-calling, sarcasm, and humiliation will become their primary weapon. They can be critical of even minor faults and nitpick you at every opportunity. They are intentionally hunting you to deliver a put-down, especially in front of your peers. You will hear them spreading rumors in the gossip mill to achieve their dominance, which is meant to tear a person down and infect your workplace. Sarcasm, whether big or small, always lets targets of the bully know they are being put in their place. 

Manipulation-

Adult bullies will justify their twisting of the truth to make their accomplishments the best ideas and diminish your efforts in order to build themselves up. They will look to hijack your success and put down your inadequacies any chance they get. Often, it is done on social media (through cyberbullying)or in a group setting to enhance the sting while surrounded by your friends, workers, or family.

Being passive-aggressive.

I think this is an easy trap to fall into. Adult bullies use techniques like the silent treatment, sabotaging your work, put-downs, and using flimsy excuses like, I was just kidding. Being threatened or existing in a climate of fear is very common. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to walk on eggshells to avoid the blatant anger of your bully?

Social exclusion-

This is common—excluding people from certain situations and creating cliques where one person is excluded.

Intimidation-

Adult bullies will use veiled or overt threats. You hear people comment, “You will pay for that.” Sometimes, it is an overly enthusiastic and hard slap on the back, a person leaning in too close, or a strong arm around your shoulder that signals not-so-subtle attempts at causing anxiety in their targets. 

The first thing you have to do is recognize it and work to stop it, not just for yourself but also for other people who may be targeted. Here are three powerful ways that I suggest that will empower you against an adult bully.

#1: “Ask, Are you okay?”

Say it slowly and calmly. Stand tall and make good eye contact. Remember, your physiology communicates more about your message than your words do. This phrase will catch them off guard and signal them that their behavior is not okay.

And most importantly, it denies them the reaction they are looking for.

#2: Ask questions of intent. 

“This sounds like…”

“Did you mean to embarrass me?”

“Did you mean for that to offend me?”

“Did you mean to upset me?”

You’re giving them a mirror to understand the consequences of their behavior. No matter how hard it is, bullies need to learn empathy.

#3: “Attention or insecurity?”

They’re going to ask, “What do you mean?”

You respond: “Did you say that to be hurtful, for attention, or because of some insecurity?”

It will make them think twice before saying something like that again.

There are many ways to deal with someone who bullies others, most of which depend on one's level of safety and support in one's environment. Use your best judgment and your support system.

It's important to remember that bullying is often a pattern of behavior, not just isolated incidents. Bullying is characterized by a power imbalance and the intent to harm, intimidate, or control the other person. If you are a target, you are giving off signals of vulnerability. You may be in a situation where it's impossible or difficult to defend yourself from your bully. 

Lastly, the bully triad consists of three people: the bully, the target, and the bystander. Try to enlist help from others (an upstander) to assist you in these situations. If the bullying continues and the problem does not change, you may have to leave the group you are involved with, whether it is work or a hobby. I hope this article helps.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist

Mikebogdanski.com