Build Some Grit!

 

As a kid, I was painfully shy and quiet. I hated my lack of confidence and had no idea how to change it, and it took me many years to learn the skills I will share in this article. Once I decided to tackle success, I learned that teaching traits like grit, perseverance, an indomitable spirit, and a non-quitting attitude isn't easy.

How many of us have started something, couldn't follow through, and gave up too early? The answer: all of us.

Here are my tips for building emotional and mental strength in your children (and yourself).

1. Believe it's not failure; it's a learning opportunity: Reframe mistakes, not as signs of weakness or lack of ability, but as natural, essential steps in the learning process. When children realize that failure is temporary, they become less afraid to tackle challenges. Thomas Edison's most famous quote on failure is, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

2. If you can't praise the skill, praise the effort: Focus feedback on hard work, strategy, and perseverance rather than fixed traits like intelligence or natural talent. I believe kids who fail and come back are stronger in the long run. Compliment children with phrases like "I love how hard you tried to solve that problem" or "super effort" to foster a growth mindset and help build internal motivation.

3. Create a safe space for mistakes: Parents must resist the urge to immediately step in and solve every problem for their child (look up “lawnmower parenting"). Encourage them to brainstorm solutions, explore options, and experience the natural consequences of their choices within safe boundaries. It's not if you fail; it's what you do with it after.

4. Model perseverance in your own life: Children learn more from what parents do than what they say. Share your dreams and setbacks, talk through how you handle stress or frustration, and show constructive ways to bounce back when things don't go as planned. Take a minute to pause and teach methodical thinking.  It's like searching with a grid—you just take it one step at a time.

5. Teach emotional strength: Grit requires managing tough emotions like frustration, anxiety, and disappointment. Help children identify these feelings with active listening, teach calming techniques, using slow, deep breaths or counting the seconds to refocus --(“breathe in 1-2-3-4-5. Breathe out 1-2-3-4-5.”). And strive to separate emotional responses from actions.

6. Encourage "The Power of Yet" (I love this one):

Help kids reframe negative self-talk by adding this one magic word: "yet." Transforming "I can't do this" into "I can't do this yet" instills the belief that abilities develop over time with practice, perseverance, and patience.

7. Promote long-term commitments and planning: Parents, encourage involvement in activities that require sustained effort over time. When I taught a martial arts introductory class for a new student, I would tell them, "This is your first day on your journey to becoming a black belt," setting them on a multi-year long-term mission. Crossing the finish line on a multi-month or multi-year goal teaches the value of delayed, long-term gratification. Setting and achieving short- and long-term goals is important and essential to everything in life. That is why, as an instructor, I would set monthly check-ins and quarterly tests for students. A person on a journey has to check the map regularly to make sure they are on course. When a pilot sets off from New York to LA, even a slight deviation can put you in San Diego or San Francisco.

8. Foster strong, supportive relationships: Resilience isn't built in isolation; it thrives when your team supports you. One of my favorite sayings is: "Champions don't always need to be told what to do, just reminded what to do." Kids with an unconditional emotional safety net at home have the confidence to step out of their comfort zone and take healthy risks. Teach kids you never truly fail until you quit.

9. Break down intimidating goals into small steps: Complex challenges can overwhelm a child and make them quit before they start. Teach them to break big tasks into manageable, bite-sized goals so they can celebrate small wins along the way. (Do you know how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.)

10. Build physical and mental stamina: Physical well-being directly impacts emotional strength. Ensure that kids get adequate sleep, regular movement, and healthy nutrition, while guarding against overscheduling, so they have time to recharge and reflect. The goal is "everything in balance."

I recommend this book wholeheartedly: Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by psychologist Angela Duckworth, who tells us that the secret to outstanding achievement isn't natural talent, but a combination of passion, perseverance, and future focus. Duckworth describes the following traits as being essential:

Talent vs. Effort: Talent counts once, but effort counts twice—making persistence the ultimate driver of success.

Growth: Grit is not a fixed trait; you can learn and grow it regardless of your IQ or background.

Real-World Examples: Duckworth examines high achievers from West Point cadets and National Spelling Bee finalists to business leaders and coaches to communicate some profound conclusions.

It's time to build some grit!

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and Ant-bully activist

7 Signs Your Child May Be Struggling With Bullying

Remember the words to this old song?

“School days, school days,

Dear old golden rule days.

Readin' and 'ritin' and 'rith-me-tic

Taught to the tune of a hick'ry stick.”

For parents, the return to school this fall signals the big shift from summer to the back-to-school season. My suggestion to you this fall: Don’t wait for your child to use the word bullying. Sometimes the behavior changes before the words do. As I write this monthly article, I recognize these signs in my younger self after being bullied and beaten up. It's amazing how after fifty years, I can still vividly remember having these feelings of despair and sadness along with these symptoms. When I was a kid, my Grandmother would tease me. She would say, “You are so shy that if someone were standing on your foot, you would not say a thing.” These tips are warning signs of more serious mental health issues to watch out for.

1. Your child suddenly doesn’t want to go to school. Frequent complaints of feeling sick, requests to stay home, or unusually anxious behavior about Monday mornings can be a warning sign. I desperately wanted to skip school after being beat up. Walking the halls at school with a black eye was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. Comments like " loser” followed me for days. It's not that they want to skip; it's just that it's hard to learn when you are scared.
2. Their friendships suddenly change. A child who normally talks about friends may stop mentioning them, lose a friendship unexpectedly, or seem increasingly isolated. After being beaten up by the alpha teen in my neighborhood group, I lost my circle of friends. My parents were great about pushing me to keep in contact with other friends in town because we all need a support system and a sense of belonging. Even with kids around, your child can feel alienated and lonely.
3. Your child has mood or behavior changes. Increased irritability, sadness, anger, withdrawal, or emotional outbursts can signal that something is happening at school. On the outside, your child may look the same, but inside, their emotions are in a whirlpool of despair, helplessness, and sadness. They are trying their best but may not have the tools to cope. Long talks and hugs go a long way in helping. 
4. They start avoiding certain places or activities. Pay attention if your child suddenly doesn’t want to ride the bus, go to the cafeteria, attend recess, participate in activities, or go to a particular class. Going to these places is difficult because your child knows the bullies lie in wait and the bullying will begin again. As much as you might tell them to “tough it out,” it's not that easy. After being beaten up and bullied, my Mom drove me to school every day so I didn't have to take the bus. I am not sure this helped. I wished and hoped that I had confidence and self-defense skills, but at that time I had none. 
5. Their school performance changes. Difficulty concentrating, missing assignments, declining grades, or losing interest in school can sometimes accompany social problems. It's difficult and nearly impossible to learn when you live in a state of terror. Bullying has many debilitating effects on kids and will result in a lack of concentration and, as a result, poor academic performance and grades. 
6. Your child becomes unusually quiet about their day. If “How was school?” used to generate stories and now gets a quick “fine,” gently ask more specific questions rather than assuming everything is okay. Withdrawal from family and friends is another warning sign.
7. Your child loses confidence or begins blaming themselves. Statements like “Nobody likes me,” “I’m stupid,” or “It’s probably my fault” deserve attention. Children experiencing repeated negative treatment may begin to internalize it. A child who is bullied may feel like it was their fault that this is happening to them.

An important point for parents: None of these signs automatically means your child is being bullied, but these are signals to slow down, listen, and start a conversation. Sometimes it's easier for your child to speak to a trusted uncle or aunt because it feels safer. Let's do whatever it takes to get your child talking about their feelings, and communication is key. If you think this situation warrants seeing a counselor or therapist, please take action. If you live in northeast Connecticut, I have the perfect person to recommend.

It's a long road back from being bullied. I have two proven suggestions. One: find your kids a bodyguard, not like a Secret Service escort or a person with aviator sunglasses, but a confident and respected student in their class who will stick up for them. Bystanders need to become upstanders.

Secondly, build your kids from the inside out. Confident kids don't get bullied. Your child needs a skill that will build their confidence. When a child excels in any given field, their confidence will grow (in time). I wish I had the confidence I have today back then. I was shy and quiet, but being a martial arts black belt has given me great confidence and saved my life. 

“These days, my motto is simple: there are two kinds of people in the world — people who know me, and people who want to know me.”

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist mikebogdanski.com

"Navigating Screen Time: Healthy Habits for Kids"

While waiting in a long line at the grocery store, I had time to do some people-watching. Many of the patrons were moms with their kids, and what I noticed was the amount of screen time nearly every child was immersed in, watching videos or playing video games. I know, as a parent and grandparent, that the phone is an easy go-to babysitter when a child is getting restless, and you are tired and frustrated. If your child weren't using your phone, you might start scrolling to pass the time. In this column, I wanted to talk about creating healthy habits to navigate excess screen time for kids (and maybe you, too).

Screens are inevitable. With this powerful device, we can call, email, text, check the weather, track gas points, take photos, check social media, manage our appointments, place our Amazon order, pay our bills, and get the answer to any question in the universe. How did we ever manage before smartphones? And the downside- Scrolling at night ruins your sleep, helps you become sedentary, and adds to your depression. Can you imagine what it is doing to our kids during their developmental years?

It's all about balance. I think you would agree, the phone is addictive!

The American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes limiting screen time based on age, prioritizing high-quality, interactive content, and avoiding screens for children under 18-24 months, except for video chatting.

Key recommendations include:

1. <18 months: Avoid digital media, except video chat.
2. 18–24 months: Limit to high-quality, educational programming.
3. 2–5 years: Max 1 hour per day of high-quality, educational, co-viewed content.
4. 6+ years: Set consistent limits to ensure adequate sleep, exercise, and schoolwork.

Different developmental stages have different needs:

∙ Toddlers/preschoolers: minimal screens, co-viewing

essential

∙ Elementary age: structured educational content

∙ Tweens/teens: social connection becomes important, and

boundaries are absolutely needed

Is it essential to be technologically literate? Yes! Technology helps us learn more, learn faster, and more efficiently. Our learning curve has been exponential because of it, and now with AI, watch out. The problem becomes the time and balance with moving your body and the emotional connections we need through relationships. I just read that Gen Z is turning to AI for counseling and companionship. Dating is down, new relationships are down, and anxiety is up. It's time to step back and take a strong look at what we are doing.

Active versus passive consumption. My wife and I are big readers, and we love getting our fix in the library. We chat with the great library staff, enjoy various programs they put on, and leave with an armful of books. If you or your kids scroll endlessly with no end in sight, you are wasting time and letting screen time become addictive.

Create Healthy Screen Habits

Having clear and reasonable rules for viewing is necessary. Let's establish clear boundaries for your kids:

∙ Screen-free zones (dinner table, bedrooms- a must)

∙ Screen-free times (first hour after waking, last hour

before bed)

∙ Tech-free family time

∙ Prioritize content quality

∙ Educational and creative apps over mindless scrolling

∙ Co-viewing and co-playing when possible

∙ Age-appropriate content

∙ Video calls with family vs. passive viewing

∙ Interactive learning vs. auto-play videos (I personally have been using Duolingo to brush up my Polish.

Model healthy behavior:

∙ Parents be role models for balanced use

∙ Emphasize active vs. passive consumption

∙ Teach critical thinking about online content

Physical activities are essential for a child's development, motor skills, emotional intelligence, and creativity are built thru through nature and hands-on play. Rather than a total digital ban, aim to integrate technology as a tool.

To maintain balance, establish a "limited screen time as a reward" system, co-create a family media plan, and designate daily "blackout" hours. Embracing unstructured "boredom/free thinking" is vital to developing your child's independence and creative spirit.

I want to warn you that the ever-present threat of cyberbullying and online predators must always be a concern. Tablet use is an open invitation to anyone in the world to hack into your child's life if you don't keep a close eye on it. Monitoring electronics is not an invasion of your child's privacy; it's your responsibility to keep them safe. Parental control apps are available to help filter content, control screen time, and generate activity reports. You can even flag mood and behavioral changes, and get bullying alerts. Never, I repeat never, let your kids take tech to bed.

Can your kids escape the screen? The answer is yes and no. To use the philosophy of moderation is the perfect answer. Having firm criteria will help you balance everything. Just like Goldilocks, there can be too much, too little, and just right. Assessing this proportional use by your child's age will be a never-ending question. If you are asking, "Is it too much?" The answer is probably yes. Be your child's guide to a healthy but guarded relationship with tech.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.