😠 To Belittle is to Be Little: The Core Insecurity of the Bully

 Having studied bullying for decades, my background in psychology has given me a deep look into the aggressor's mindset. The simple truth is this: when a person puts someone else down, they are almost always trying to elevate themselves. Bullying is definitely a harmful, desperate attempt to feel powerful, manage deep insecurity, and dominate a person or a social group.

As my father used to call it, it's a form of "dirty pool"—a tactic where attacking a rival makes the aggressor feel momentarily taller, stronger, and in control. Here’s a breakdown of the psychological and social forces that drive this awful behavior.

Psychological Motivations for Bullying

The root of most aggression lives within the bully's internal psychological state:

* Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: I believe this is the most common fuel for bullies. Criticizing or humiliating others because they think it elevates their own social status and provides a sense of superiority and control that they otherwise lack. Bullies are motivated and driven to pass on put-downs to elevate themselves. 

* The Need for Power and Control: 

Bullying is fundamentally about establishing dominance. People who feel powerless or out of control in other aspects of their lives (often at home or school) seek to regain that sense of control by exerting power over a perceived weaker target/victim. They put others down to remind themselves and their target, who is "in charge."

* Emotional Bolstering (Projection): 

Some individuals lack healthy coping skills for managing difficult emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. They project these negative feelings onto others through aggression, using the victim as the object of their highly emotional release.

* Modeling and Learned Behavior: 

Bullying is often learned behavior. Studies show that people model these harmful behaviors from their environment—whether from loud or aggressive parents, observing sibling or friend high-octane arguments, or constant exposure to violence in media. They put others down because they have seen it be an effective (and harmful) technique to browbeat targets and get what they want.

Social and Environmental Factors

The environment often reinforces and rewards the bully’s behavior:

* Social Status and Acceptance: In certain peer groups, putting others down (especially those who look, sound, or act differently or are unpopular) can be seen as a way to gain popularity or maintain social standing. The aggressor wants to be viewed as "tough" or "cool" by their friends.

* Conformity and Group Dynamics: Bullying often becomes a group activity. Individuals may join in or escalate the put-downs to fit in with a dominant clique or to avoid becoming the next target. This fear of social exclusion fuels the mob mentality.

* Lack of Empathy: A person's inability to understand, share, or express feelings is a key factor. This challenge allows the aggressor to inflict pain and cause emotional harm without feeling guilt or remorse.

What Parents and Adults Can Do

If your child is showing aggressive behavior or is a target, focused intervention and support are critical:

If Your Child is the Aggressor/Bully:

* Highlight and Demonstrate Empathy: Parents and influential adults must model empathy in their own lives. Help your child experience what it is like to “walk in their victim's shoes.” Teaching them how to apologize sincerely is a foundational step in minimizing the harm they cause.

If Your Child is the Target:

* Provide Immediate Support: Let your child know that the bullying is not their fault. Check in regularly and offer unwavering support. Acknowledge that anger is a natural feeling, but violence is not the answer. (As a helpful mnemonic, I've often recommended to children that placing the letter "D" in front of the word "anger" - spells D-A-N-G-E-R).

> Note: We know from tragic events like Columbine that years of emotional abuse can lead some targets to extreme violence. Early intervention is paramount.

* Teach Assertiveness: Bullies often seek out quiet, passive targets. Praise your child's assertive actions and efforts. We must help them build their confidence through practice and competence. In the future, I will provide you with tips on how to help your child build courage and confidence. Assertiveness is a powerful deterrent. Bullies are looking for people who look vulnerable. 

In essence, while the bully's actions are focused externally—putting others down, instilling fear, or committing violence—the primary “juice” they seek is an internal feeling of superiority, control, and acceptance.

You likely know people like this. I certainly do, and I've been a target myself. Let's work together to achieve two goals: to teach empathy and to develop the assertiveness necessary to prevent this emotionally damaging and dangerous behavior.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is an anti-bully activist and martial arts Grandmaster

Beware of Bullying Hotspots

 

With school back in session for a month now, we must again address new or repeated instances of bullying going on. When teaching self-defense against bullies, I always start with the A-B-C’s. “A” stands for awareness and being vigilant in areas where bullying is likely to occur. 

Bullying at school often occurs in specific locations, known as "hot spots," where there is less adult supervision. These areas can vary by school, but common hot spots include:

* Hallways and Stairwells: These are high-traffic, transitional areas where supervision is often limited, making them prime locations for bullying.

* Bathrooms and Locker Rooms: Due to a lack of adult presence, bullies frequently use these spaces as target-rich opportunity areas where bad situations can happen out of the view of teachers.

* Playgrounds and Athletic Fields: While often supervised, these areas can be large, allowing for incidents to occur out of a teacher's line of sight. What seems like casual interaction, or “play,” can become a problem area.

* Lunchrooms/Cafeterias: The noise and large crowds can make it difficult for staff to notice and intervene in bullying incidents. It becomes much harder to identify in the middle of a large group of children interacting.

* Classrooms (when the teacher is distracted): Bullying can also happen during moments of transition or when the teacher has left the room.

These physical locations are often where direct, in-person bullying, such as bodily harm, name-calling, or social exclusion, takes place.

Here is my recommendation. Using a buddy system can be a critical fix in many bullying situations. Bullies often look for kids who are isolated or alone. With a (confident) buddy, your child is less likely to be picked on, and both buddies can stand up for each other. If your child has the opportunity to use a friend to stand up for them actively, this will reduce the incidents of bullying. Now this is the time to address the “B and C” of self-defense. First, take a deep (B) breath and (C) communicate with confidence. I suggest role-playing assertive responses, such as “back away”. This method is a simple, confident, and rehearsed script, accompanied by a confident stance and eye contact. To excel at this, you and your child will need plenty of practice. Repetition creates success.

Cyberbullying (the silent method of bullying)

Cyberbullying is a form of bullying that occurs through digital devices, such as cell phones, computers, and tablets. It can happen on social media platforms, through text messages, or in online gaming environments. Many schools are banning cellphone use or planning to ban use. Several studies I have read see this as a win-win opportunity for teachers and students. Don't worry, in these cases, phones may be brought to school and just “parked” in the classroom. 

Cyberbullying is particularly harmful because it can be:

* Persistent: Digital devices provide a constant channel for communication, making it difficult for a victim to find relief.

* Permanent: Most information shared online can be permanent and public, making it hard to erase and potentially impacting a person's reputation in the long term.

* Anonymous: The anonymity of the internet can embolden bullies and make it difficult for victims to identify their tormentors. 

* 24-7. Kids used to be able to go home and escape their bullies. Due to the digital world we live in, it's challenging to avoid being constantly bombarded with this style of harassment.

Statistics and Prevention

Cyberbullying rates have increased significantly, particularly since the rise of social media and increased time spent online. Studies show that a substantial percentage of students have experienced cyberbullying, with girls often being more likely than boys to be victims.

Some common types of cyberbullying include:

* Mean or hurtful comments: Posting negative remarks about someone online.

* Spreading rumors: Sharing false or embarrassing information.

* Exclusion: Intentionally leaving someone out of a group chat or online activity.

* Sharing private information/Outing: Leaking personal photos or information without consent. Telling about a person’s private sexual orientation and “outing” a person.

Prevention strategies for cyberbullying focus on a combination of awareness, education, and intervention:

* Educate kids: Teach them about responsible online behavior, the permanence of digital content, and the importance of thinking before they post.

* Encourage reporting: Let kids know they should tell a trusted adult, like a parent or teacher, if they are being cyberbullied or see someone being bullied. Let's teach kids that it's right to report bullying, as it's a violation of school policy and is not considered tattling.

* Block and report: Advise victims to block the bully's account and report the incident to the platform or app administrators. Tell your teachers and principal. Even though this may occur outside of school, the administration may have a school policy in place to address this issue. 

* Open communication: Maintain open conversations with children about their online activities and friendships to build trust and ensure they feel comfortable coming to you if a problem arises.

Bullying is going on in schools every day. It is wrong and not a rite of passage. Let's arm our kids with knowledge.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.

Home Rules For Children

 

Several years ago, I met a martial arts instructor, Grandmaster Jhoon Rhee of Washington, D.C. Over the decades, he taught hundreds of Senators, members of Congress, and several world champions. Even at age 70, he was the perfect physical specimen (doing one thousand situps and pushups every day); he decided not to get us out on the floor to train physically; he just wanted to talk about how to be a Black Belt in life. Here are his basic “Home Rules For Children.” This might be a good printout for the refrigerator door.

1. Children Shall greet their parents with "Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!" when they enter the home and tell their parents, "Goodbye," when they leave. 

Good manners must be taught to young people, and they should be praised when they display the desired attributes until they become a habit.

2. Children will always be respectful of their parents, teachers and elders. My personal idea of respect is -treat people how you want to be treated. Some of us that are now older wish we still had our parents around. 

3. Children will be kind to their Brothers and Sisters. It would be good to clarify this word into actions that even the youngest child can understand. Kindness is being friendly, generous, and considerate. Siblings can share a treat, give a compliment, cheer them up, and even say sorry when they feel like they did something wrong. 

4. Children will keep the household neat and clean. When our grandkids are over, we get to practice this. They can't take out new toys until the current toys are put away. Don't let them touch dirty dishes twice. Why put them in the sink for a visit when they can go directly into the dishwasher?

We all know the basic rule: If you take it out and you put it away. Having things on a schedule definitely helps (like getting our trash bins to the curb on time).

5. Children will keep their hair, body, and teeth clean daily. I think it's about routines and schedules. After doing a task consistently, kids develop habits. It's up to parents to get them set up as good ones instead of bad ones. It's important to teach that certain cues equal certain actions. After waking up, you brush your teeth; after using the toilet, you wash your hands; when you cough, it's into your arm. I always liked to teach kids that this was self-defense against germs. 

6. Children will not interrupt adult conversations. I always taught kids to wait nearby, make good eye contact, and then, when they wanted to speak to adults in conversation, say, "Excuse me, Mom/Dad." Respect for parents must be a priority in every household. If it's not taught to children when they are young, you certainly know how they will treat parents when they are teens.

7. Children shall fix the recipe for straight 'A & B's daily! I always like teaching the concept of “inspect what you expect.” Teaching kids that getting consistently good grades is essential along with teaching the idea of the five P’s- perfect planning prevents poor performance. 

8. When you come home from school, open the refrigerator and pick a healthy snack, no exceptions. This will become a habit that will serve them well over their lifetime. 

At the end of his seminar, he asked the assembled group this question that resounds in my head daily: “What is the purpose of life?”

The Grandmaster’s answer was so powerful, yet so simple. “To be happy!”

Mike Bogdanski

America’s Anti Bully

Mikebogdanski.com

“An Attitude of Gratitude”

 

My New Year tip to readers is to do something for someone else.

I love the quote from motivational speaker Zig Ziglar who famously said, "You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want."

Overall, acts of kindness benefit both your mental and physical well-being. I know some of you are saying, "Mike, I am too busy, too stressed, too overworked, and overwhelmed." How can I help others when I can barely help myself? We can look to the late President Jimmy Carter. He served as president of the US and then quietly faded into the background, but he and his wife went on for decades to serve others. 

Why? When you do something nice for someone, your body experiences several positive mental and physical benefits:

Random acts of kindness release serotonin (which improves mood), dopamine (which creates a sense of pleasure), and endorphins (which reduce pain and stress). Being kind can lower cortisol levels, your stress hormone, making you feel calm and relaxed. Helping others can release oxytocin, which benefits your heart by reducing blood pressure and inflammation. Positive emotional states from being kind can strengthen your immune system, making your body less prone to illness. Doesn’t that sound great?

You start making your community a better place as one kind person with one kind act. Kindness can have a ripple effect, starting with one person at a time and one town at a time, by helping you focus on positive situations and giving you an opportunity to bring good to the world even when times are difficult or challenging. The way I spell love is t-i-m-e. You don't have to give money; you can just contribute your time and energy to make things better in our little quiet corner.

How? 

Donate food, toys, or books. Volunteer to serve food at a homeless shelter or the Veteran’s Coffeehouse. Leave an extra tip at your local restaurant. Drop off a meal to a family with a new baby or who just experienced a huge personal loss. Doing something to improve someone else’s day, for no good reason, will enrich your day exponentially.

Where?

There are many local places where you can help. I will begin by saying I love this quote, “Act local, think globally,” to mentally set your course. My suggestions include TEEG, Interfaith Human Services of Putnam(food donations, diaper bank, fuel, and more), the Putnam Resource Center, volunteering for your local historical society, and local boards (zoning, economic development, wetlands, etc.) or even shoveling the snow off a neighbor’s sidewalk. There are many opportunities to lift up our neighbors and our towns.

Trust me. I could share study after study about how helping someone else improves people’s moods more than getting a gift themselves, but I know this from personal experience. While running my business, I decided to do a community project and raised a few thousand dollars for Paul Newman’s Hole In The Wall camp in Eastford. When I met with the staff, they showed me the million-dollar contributions that the camp had received. Even though they appreciated the donation, it felt like a drop in the bucket to this internationally funded group. It was then I decided to do something more local. I had a very good friend who struggled with drugs, so I thought supporting local children through D.A.R.E programs might be a better choice. All the money stayed local, and each school could receive money from the generous contributions of local businesses and people in our towns. To me, it was a win-win for our kids. I felt that if drugs started to ruin my friend's life, they could destroy anyone, and I was a person who could help.

Since retiring, I have had more time to give back to the community, and I absolutely love it. I am happiest when I help others. I love being busy and giving my time, advice, and experience to others. I have always tried to pass on the philosophy of having “an attitude of gratitude.” 

My favorite quote for the new year is, “If you want to touch the past, touch a rock. If you want to touch the present, touch a flower. If you want to touch the future, touch a life.”

—AUTHOR UNKNOWN

President Carter recently passed away at age one hundred. For years after his presidency, he served his community with grace, humility, compassion, dignity, courage, and love. Let’s be like Jimmy; together, we can lift up the world.

P.S. - I am helping to organize a celebrity bartender fundraiser for Interfaith Human Services of Putnam (daily bread/diaper bank/fuel assistance) on February 20 at Montana Nights Axe Throwing in Putnam from 5:30-8 pm if you want to kick off your generosity and have lots of fun. Hope to see you there!

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.

Teaching the difference between discipline and self-discipline.

 

Lessons For Life:

 Thousands of books have been written on being the best parent ever. However, in my experience, ‌teaching self-discipline is the foundation of building success in any person.

The dictionary defines discipline/self discipline as the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

   Discipline is the exerting of external control, like when you tell your kids to brush their teeth.  This is how we as parents teach the littlest children the right and wrong ways to do things.  Self-discipline is when children utilize an internal guide to direct them to do the right things.  Self-discipline is the foundation of success in life and using character will give them a direction. In my years of working with children I often asked if they made their own bed.  Then I asked, did they do it on their own or after being told.  Then I highlighted to them the difference between discipline and self-discipline.

Here are my top tips on teaching self-discipline.

One of the greatest well-known successes in athletics is Tom Brady. His recommendation is; “Quit focusing on all the things you can't control. Focus on being the best version of yourself. Work as hard as you can.”

1. Succeeding with small goals eventually can turn into successes building great lifetime habits. Studies have shown that people with written goals have greater success on tasks.  I also suggest posting them around your house so you can see them every single day.  My suggestion is that the goals be very specific (I will do a future article on S.M.A.R.T. Goals. You can google this if you are curious)

With the technology of today it would be easy to start with a video of how to brush with detailed cleaning of each tooth. Many electric toothbrushes have a handy 2-minute timer. When kids are done brushing, you can be their success coach and give your child feedback, finishing with a smile and praise. Create a routine (specific time of day) where you log your goals and build your habits. 

2. Accountability and support.

If you want to succeed in a certain area, tell your everone. Then every time you see your friends, they will check in on your progress and give you support. Your friends and family want you to succeed, especially on tough, long term goals. Parents, if your child is not immediately good at developing self-discipline don’t worry, it’s a journey, not a destination. It is perfectly fine to fail as long as you take this as a lesson in course correction.

3. Teach delayed gratification - I love the saying “Dig your well before you are thirsty”. When I was in grammar school, the local bank got all the fourth graders to start a bank account. Each week, we brought in change to be deposited into our account. Week by week we could see the interest displayed on our passbook and watch our money grow. It was very exciting. I am sure you can do a digital version today to help get the concept of waiting for rewards. (For teens or young adults, if you contribute $135.00 a week, each year, to an IRA, it could take about 28 years to reach‌ one million dollars)

4. Be consistent, and determined, and work for it. Don’t sweat it if you fall back a little. Even elite athletes who eat right 6 days a week build in a cheat day where they can eat something not on their strict regimen. 

5. I have learned that the difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline. When I was in college I knew the semester had a beginning and end and I needed to fulfill requirements week by week to succeed.  I have met so many people that tell me “I should have started (their dream) twenty years ago”. My response is, “then today is the next best day!” I want to remind you that “someday” is not a day of the week.

6. Parents - reinforce and praise the behaviors you want to see. My recommendation is, If you can’t praise the act, praise the effort. Highlight and recognize others you run into showing good self-discipline. It would be so great if you could model this skill with your own actions. How we conduct our lives will always speak louder than our words. In time all habits, good or bad, will be “built” in.

I will leave you with this thought written in the 6th century- “A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step”. (Lao Tzu)

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist.

mikebogdanski.com

Talk To Your Kids About Bullies

Talking to your child about school bullies is an essential conversation as the new school year begins. For elementary and middle school-aged children, navigating social interactions can be challenging, and understanding how to handle bullying is crucial for their emotional well-being. Here’s how you can approach this sensitive topic.

1. Create a Safe Space for Conversation:

Start by establishing a safe and open environment where your child feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. During a quiet moment, such as after dinner, when your child is more likely to open up. Begin the conversation by asking general questions about their day at school, such as who they spent time with or what they enjoyed. A good way to start is by asking what was great today and then moving into what was bad today. Gradually steer the conversation toward friendships and peer interactions, making it clear that they can talk to you about anything, including uncomfortable situations.  It might be good to share a personal story from your youth.

2. Define Bullying Clearly:

It’s important to ensure your child understands what bullying is. Explain that bullying can take many forms—physical, verbal, or social—and can occur in person or online. Give age-appropriate examples, such as name-calling, spreading rumors, exclusion from groups, or physical aggression. Emphasize that bullying is repeated behavior intended to hurt someone, which is never the victim's fault.  Sometimes it’s not easy to see the bullying going on.

3. Point Out Real-Life Examples:

To help your child recognize bullying, point out situations you might witness daily. Whether it’s something you see while walking down the street, in a store, or even on television, use these moments as teaching opportunities. For example, if you see children being unkind to each other at a park, gently discuss what you observed with your child and ask how they think the victim might feel. These real-life examples make the concept of bullying more real and help your child to better understand and see similar situations they might encounter at school.

4. Encourage Empathy and Kindness:

Teach your child the importance of empathy by encouraging them to think about how others might feel. Discuss the value of being kind and standing up for peers who bullies may target. Role-playing scenarios can be a helpful way to practice responses to bullying, whether your child witnesses it or experiences it themselves. Reinforce the idea that everyone deserves to feel safe and respected at school.

5. Empower Them with Strategies:

Equip your child with strategies to deal with bullies. Encourage them to stay calm, assertively tell the bully to stop, and walk away if possible.  One of the best skills you can practice is teaching your child to stand assertively, hands open, make good eye contact, and if feeling physically threatened, strongly repeat “Back away”!  This skill can be practiced daily almost like a game until it is embedded in your child.

Emphasize the importance of seeking help from a trusted adult, such as a teacher, school counselor, or trusted adult, if they feel threatened or uncomfortable. Let them know that reporting bullying is not tattling; it’s the responsible way to protect themselves and others. If they don’t help stop bullies, the terror tactics will just continue.

6. Stay Involved and Follow Up:

Maintain an ongoing conversation about your child’s experiences at school. Regularly check in to see how they are doing and if they have encountered any bullying.   To personalize an experience, share your bullying memories and how you dealt with it.  

Stay in touch with teachers and school staff to monitor any problem situation and ensure that your child feels supported. Your involvement can make a significant difference in helping your child navigate bullying effectively.

By keeping communication open, educating your child about bullying, and equipping them with the tools to handle difficult situations, you can help them feel more confident and secure as they navigate the school's social landscape. 

 These tips will help by addressing bullying before it happens.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist.

Mikebogdanski.com