😠 To Belittle is to Be Little: The Core Insecurity of the Bully

 Having studied bullying for decades, my background in psychology has given me a deep look into the aggressor's mindset. The simple truth is this: when a person puts someone else down, they are almost always trying to elevate themselves. Bullying is definitely a harmful, desperate attempt to feel powerful, manage deep insecurity, and dominate a person or a social group.

As my father used to call it, it's a form of "dirty pool"—a tactic where attacking a rival makes the aggressor feel momentarily taller, stronger, and in control. Here’s a breakdown of the psychological and social forces that drive this awful behavior.

Psychological Motivations for Bullying

The root of most aggression lives within the bully's internal psychological state:

* Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: I believe this is the most common fuel for bullies. Criticizing or humiliating others because they think it elevates their own social status and provides a sense of superiority and control that they otherwise lack. Bullies are motivated and driven to pass on put-downs to elevate themselves. 

* The Need for Power and Control: 

Bullying is fundamentally about establishing dominance. People who feel powerless or out of control in other aspects of their lives (often at home or school) seek to regain that sense of control by exerting power over a perceived weaker target/victim. They put others down to remind themselves and their target, who is "in charge."

* Emotional Bolstering (Projection): 

Some individuals lack healthy coping skills for managing difficult emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. They project these negative feelings onto others through aggression, using the victim as the object of their highly emotional release.

* Modeling and Learned Behavior: 

Bullying is often learned behavior. Studies show that people model these harmful behaviors from their environment—whether from loud or aggressive parents, observing sibling or friend high-octane arguments, or constant exposure to violence in media. They put others down because they have seen it be an effective (and harmful) technique to browbeat targets and get what they want.

Social and Environmental Factors

The environment often reinforces and rewards the bully’s behavior:

* Social Status and Acceptance: In certain peer groups, putting others down (especially those who look, sound, or act differently or are unpopular) can be seen as a way to gain popularity or maintain social standing. The aggressor wants to be viewed as "tough" or "cool" by their friends.

* Conformity and Group Dynamics: Bullying often becomes a group activity. Individuals may join in or escalate the put-downs to fit in with a dominant clique or to avoid becoming the next target. This fear of social exclusion fuels the mob mentality.

* Lack of Empathy: A person's inability to understand, share, or express feelings is a key factor. This challenge allows the aggressor to inflict pain and cause emotional harm without feeling guilt or remorse.

What Parents and Adults Can Do

If your child is showing aggressive behavior or is a target, focused intervention and support are critical:

If Your Child is the Aggressor/Bully:

* Highlight and Demonstrate Empathy: Parents and influential adults must model empathy in their own lives. Help your child experience what it is like to “walk in their victim's shoes.” Teaching them how to apologize sincerely is a foundational step in minimizing the harm they cause.

If Your Child is the Target:

* Provide Immediate Support: Let your child know that the bullying is not their fault. Check in regularly and offer unwavering support. Acknowledge that anger is a natural feeling, but violence is not the answer. (As a helpful mnemonic, I've often recommended to children that placing the letter "D" in front of the word "anger" - spells D-A-N-G-E-R).

> Note: We know from tragic events like Columbine that years of emotional abuse can lead some targets to extreme violence. Early intervention is paramount.

* Teach Assertiveness: Bullies often seek out quiet, passive targets. Praise your child's assertive actions and efforts. We must help them build their confidence through practice and competence. In the future, I will provide you with tips on how to help your child build courage and confidence. Assertiveness is a powerful deterrent. Bullies are looking for people who look vulnerable. 

In essence, while the bully's actions are focused externally—putting others down, instilling fear, or committing violence—the primary “juice” they seek is an internal feeling of superiority, control, and acceptance.

You likely know people like this. I certainly do, and I've been a target myself. Let's work together to achieve two goals: to teach empathy and to develop the assertiveness necessary to prevent this emotionally damaging and dangerous behavior.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is an anti-bully activist and martial arts Grandmaster

 

Kids and Mental Health

With the days of being stuck at home and attending school on zoom behind us, the mental health of our children is still very important.  School is still tough on a good day but nearly impossible on days when kids might be getting bullied.

Let’s define bullying so we can assess what we are looking at.  Bullying is unwanted aggressive behavior that involves a person with a real or a perceived power imbalance.  We can all look back at a time in our lives when we experienced bullying.  

Physical bullying is the easiest to see, pushing, shoving, and hitting.  Verbal bullying consists of name-calling, threats, and harassment.  Social bullying is harder to notice, the rumors, the gossip, and being excluded. Now,  it can be compounded by the huge access to technology. Before the days of being digitally connected bullying stopped when kids left school. . Today it follows them everywhere.  Texts, social media, online gaming, and anywhere online where kids gather,  are opportunities for bullies to seek out targets.  Our children need to be taught about these different types of bullying and know they are wrong. 

The effects on a child’s mental health can cause feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, anxiety, and severe depression.  Being beat up (because it happened to me) can make children suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome and scar a person for decades.  Personally, I remember the bad dreams, the headaches, the stomachaches, and the general fear of leaving the house.  The emotional upset is world-changing and does not just go away.  Even witnessing bullying can affect the observers and have a detrimental effect on their well-being.

Bullying can change a child for a lifetime. If bullied at a young age, while going through different developmental stages, a child can be stuck at a point where they fear anything new. Being bullied leaves footprints of anger on a child’s psyche, creating anger at the bullies and developing self-loathing because they could not stand up for themselves.  Thinking thoughts like, why am I so stupid, or so fat, or so ugly affirms to them they deserve to be bullied. 

As an instructor of martial arts as well as a former school counselor I recommend a strong emphasis on the mind and body connection.  I have preached for decades that with a strong body comes a strong mind. The solution- we need to get our kids moving.  The best way is a structured and timed event like a 45-minute karate class or a game of soccer or basketball with a few friends.  It does not need to be competitive because then someone needs to lose. The real benefit is the ability to practice a skill that is fun and gets circulation and movement, especially through the brain!

Let's not allow our kids to wallow in self-pity.  Remember, pushing our kids to be successful is not something we do to kids, it is what we do for kids.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and holds degrees in psychology and counseling

School emotions- Anxiety or excitement?

School emotions-

Anxiety or excitement?

School emotions- Anxiety or excitement?

 

Each fall I like to think about how students prepare for a return to school. Each child may have a little apprehension to return due to classes with zoom, first-day jitters, or the pandemic.  I do think students from last year’s virtual classroom are excited to return after a zoom year away and summer vacation, but there is more to consider.

Social situations at home while students were zooming were much less likely to include bullying, teasing, and intimidation, but thoughts about returning to school paint a different picture in a child’s mind.

The pandemic has already shredded the self-esteem of many kids (and adults) who have developed social and emotional issues.  Many children with confidence and high self-esteem have also felt depressed and sad because of the state of affairs the world is currently in.  It is also not surprising that kids have lost social skills in the last year and a half.  For many, life on zoom in the comfort of home was oftentimes an easy day at school. Despite the occasional technical glitch, online learning meant keeping other stresses at bay. But this came with a major trade-off.

Seeing one’s peers on a screen gives students a sense of control over whom they see and talk to. They can log in and log off. But by heading back to the physical classroom, kids are mostly worried about facing social pressures that they have not faced in more than a year. Virtual learning helped get us through a tough time and some students have even thrived in class and engaged more than in person classes.

However, we are social creatures and we need people.

Kids with social anxiety had an easier time interacting on zoom.  No playground bullying, no bathroom bullying, no peer pressure in the hallways or bus.  All the areas where bullying takes place are removed from daily life, except cyberbullying which can take a more pronounced toll on kids because they are online so often.  Prolonged zooming has made kids suffer from social isolation and loneliness.  As a martial arts instructor teaching on zoom for a year, I know firsthand how difficult it has been for teachers too.

With any technology, we must acknowledge the good and the bad -- no interaction equals depression.

One of a human being’s basic needs is a sense of belonging.  We all need social connections, and chatting with friends in school about clothes, hairstyles, and hobbies has been out of the picture while on zoom.  Parents have developed other ways to help their children develop social interaction safely within their bubble or safe areas during the pandemic.

Change is hard- getting comfortable (too comfortable) with online learning will make kids more anxious in this changing situation.

Here are some solutions.

Help kids visualize a positive atmosphere, fun times, good friends.  In our karate class, we call this pre-framing.  Helping your kids imagine and expect a positive experience is a helpful tool.  

Ask for feedback in specific ways.  A question like “How was school today?” is too open-ended and will not get you a good response.  Ask them to rate their day on a scale of one to ten, ask what was the most fun or the most challenging part of their day.  This will open further dialogue and discussion.

Mention times when you might have had difficulties in school so you can show empathy.  We have all had many painful experiences in our school careers and sharing these stories will help your kids open up.  If they did have a low day ask them what could have happened differently that might have improved the situation.  Lastly, be a good listener and get them help from a teacher or a friend if needed.  Depression and bullying are no joke and can have a devastating effect on a child’s development.  And as the headline states, excitement or anxiety, both very similar emotions.  Just remind your child, it’s excitement!

Mike Bogdanski

America's ANTI Bully