Beware of Bullying Hotspots

 

With school back in session for a month now, we must again address new or repeated instances of bullying going on. When teaching self-defense against bullies, I always start with the A-B-C’s. “A” stands for awareness and being vigilant in areas where bullying is likely to occur. 

Bullying at school often occurs in specific locations, known as "hot spots," where there is less adult supervision. These areas can vary by school, but common hot spots include:

* Hallways and Stairwells: These are high-traffic, transitional areas where supervision is often limited, making them prime locations for bullying.

* Bathrooms and Locker Rooms: Due to a lack of adult presence, bullies frequently use these spaces as target-rich opportunity areas where bad situations can happen out of the view of teachers.

* Playgrounds and Athletic Fields: While often supervised, these areas can be large, allowing for incidents to occur out of a teacher's line of sight. What seems like casual interaction, or “play,” can become a problem area.

* Lunchrooms/Cafeterias: The noise and large crowds can make it difficult for staff to notice and intervene in bullying incidents. It becomes much harder to identify in the middle of a large group of children interacting.

* Classrooms (when the teacher is distracted): Bullying can also happen during moments of transition or when the teacher has left the room.

These physical locations are often where direct, in-person bullying, such as bodily harm, name-calling, or social exclusion, takes place.

Here is my recommendation. Using a buddy system can be a critical fix in many bullying situations. Bullies often look for kids who are isolated or alone. With a (confident) buddy, your child is less likely to be picked on, and both buddies can stand up for each other. If your child has the opportunity to use a friend to stand up for them actively, this will reduce the incidents of bullying. Now this is the time to address the “B and C” of self-defense. First, take a deep (B) breath and (C) communicate with confidence. I suggest role-playing assertive responses, such as “back away”. This method is a simple, confident, and rehearsed script, accompanied by a confident stance and eye contact. To excel at this, you and your child will need plenty of practice. Repetition creates success.

Cyberbullying (the silent method of bullying)

Cyberbullying is a form of bullying that occurs through digital devices, such as cell phones, computers, and tablets. It can happen on social media platforms, through text messages, or in online gaming environments. Many schools are banning cellphone use or planning to ban use. Several studies I have read see this as a win-win opportunity for teachers and students. Don't worry, in these cases, phones may be brought to school and just “parked” in the classroom. 

Cyberbullying is particularly harmful because it can be:

* Persistent: Digital devices provide a constant channel for communication, making it difficult for a victim to find relief.

* Permanent: Most information shared online can be permanent and public, making it hard to erase and potentially impacting a person's reputation in the long term.

* Anonymous: The anonymity of the internet can embolden bullies and make it difficult for victims to identify their tormentors. 

* 24-7. Kids used to be able to go home and escape their bullies. Due to the digital world we live in, it's challenging to avoid being constantly bombarded with this style of harassment.

Statistics and Prevention

Cyberbullying rates have increased significantly, particularly since the rise of social media and increased time spent online. Studies show that a substantial percentage of students have experienced cyberbullying, with girls often being more likely than boys to be victims.

Some common types of cyberbullying include:

* Mean or hurtful comments: Posting negative remarks about someone online.

* Spreading rumors: Sharing false or embarrassing information.

* Exclusion: Intentionally leaving someone out of a group chat or online activity.

* Sharing private information/Outing: Leaking personal photos or information without consent. Telling about a person’s private sexual orientation and “outing” a person.

Prevention strategies for cyberbullying focus on a combination of awareness, education, and intervention:

* Educate kids: Teach them about responsible online behavior, the permanence of digital content, and the importance of thinking before they post.

* Encourage reporting: Let kids know they should tell a trusted adult, like a parent or teacher, if they are being cyberbullied or see someone being bullied. Let's teach kids that it's right to report bullying, as it's a violation of school policy and is not considered tattling.

* Block and report: Advise victims to block the bully's account and report the incident to the platform or app administrators. Tell your teachers and principal. Even though this may occur outside of school, the administration may have a school policy in place to address this issue. 

* Open communication: Maintain open conversations with children about their online activities and friendships to build trust and ensure they feel comfortable coming to you if a problem arises.

Bullying is going on in schools every day. It is wrong and not a rite of passage. Let's arm our kids with knowledge.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.

The 4 Rules of Concentration

 

Parents and students often wonder what the secret to academic success is. If you want to give your child a tactical advantage in school, provide them with a strategy, a game plan, and tips for becoming a champion (in school). My suggestion for creating a gold medal experience is to teach your children the four rules of concentration.

1. Focus your eyes: Directly look at the person teaching or the material you are studying to reduce distractions.
2. Focus your ears: Engage in active listening, paying attention to the instructor and the information being shared.
3. Focus your body: Maintain a good posture, signaling to your body and mind that you are prepared to receive information. 
4. Focus your mind: Clear your thoughts of distractions and keep your mind engaged on the task at hand, rather than letting it wander.

Welcome back, students! As you settle into your new routines, remember that a new school year is a chance to learn incredible things. To do that, you'll need one of your most powerful tools: your ability to concentrate.

Getting distracted is easy—a buzzing phone, a friend whispering, or just a wandering mind. But with a little practice, you can train yourself to stay focused. Here are four simple rules to help you master the art of concentration.

Rule 1: Focus Your Eyes

Your eyes are like a magnet for information. If they're darting around the room, they'll pick up on everything but what you need to learn. Whether you're in the classroom, the library, or your bedroom, direct your gaze to the task at hand. 

* In class: Look at the teacher when they are speaking. When you're working, look at the page in your book or the screen in front of you.

* At home: Keep your workspace free of distractions. Put away toys, games, and anything else that might catch your eye, especially no TV.

Rule 2: Focus Your Ears

It's distracting to listen to every little sound, but your ears can be trained to tune out the noise. Your brain can decide what to listen to and what to ignore. Always listen with the intent to learn. 

* In class: Listen for keywords and essential instructions from your teacher. Practice "active listening" by thinking about what they're saying instead of just hearing the words.

* At home: If your house is noisy, try using noise-canceling headphones. Ambient noise from the rest of the house may be very distracting and may even motivate you to leave your room to interact with brothers and sisters at play. 

3. Focus Your Body

A fidgety body makes for a fidgety mind. When constantly shifting or wiggling, it's hard for your brain to stay on track. Learning to keep your body calm and still helps your mind settle down, too.

* Find a comfortable, sturdy chair that allows you to sit straight up. Don't study a book at home while lying down. The only time you should lie down is if you want to take a nap.

* Before you start a task, take a few deep breaths. This simple action can help you relax, and extra oxygen fuels your body and mind for focus.

* If you feel antsy, try a quick stretch or take a short walk to reset before returning to your work. Getting up every twenty minutes at home gives you a small recharge (like plugging in your phone). Your body needs movement to offset extended sitting. If you need to take a longer break, drink some water and focus on something completely different. I call this rinsing out the sponge.

4. Focus Your Mind

Now, the most important rule of all is training your mind to have laser focus. Sometimes your mind is like a wild pony—it wants to run off in a million different directions. The other three rules are tools to help you bring it back. When your mind wanders, gently guide it back to what you must do.

* If you find yourself daydreaming, say to yourself, "Okay, back to work." It’s also alright to get up and move. A person's mind and body don't work independently; movement resets both. 

* Break your big tasks into smaller, manageable chunks. This makes hard work seem less overwhelming and more straightforward when mastering new material. 

* Reward yourself! After you've focused for a set amount of time, take a short break to do something you enjoy. I recommend staying away from your phone. Reading a message or a social media post may create anxiety and steal your focus.

When I taught students how to spar against a bigger and stronger opponent, they had better not think about what they would wear to school the next day. One second of lost focus could be painful when a strong punch found its way into their stomachs. When you are in the zone, you are in the zone.

Practicing these four rules will improve grades and build a skill that will help in every part of life. Good luck and have a great school year!

Perfect Planning

The five P’s!

Perfect planning prevents poor performance.

Yes, we see summer ebbing in a blink, and parents are now in back-to-school mode. Local stores are pushing school clothes and supplies to help you prepare your kids for the shift from summer to fall. Here, I will present a few tips to help you “pre-frame” this transition from summer fun to a back-to-school focus.

Number one: Gradually shift kids to a fall sleep schedule. New bedtime and wake-up times are needed to adjust kids' bodies to the earlier day. Fatigued kids will be tired and cranky when it comes time to get ready for school, and exhausted kids don't learn well.

Number two: create a school mindset.

Tuning your kids into the school year starting will help them in the fall. Lay the groundwork for a positive year. Teach your kids that it will be another year of fun learning, seeing their friends, and meeting new kids, which will make for some great experiences.

Number three: prepping. 

Getting kids to rehearse is a great idea. One of our granddaughters loves to play “teacher.” At age seven, she has learned how to coach her students (Grampy and Mimi) to better performance, positively impact her 'kids' (her dolls), and deal with a sometimes unruly student(Grampy). It's a fun game as she teaches us how to pack our backpacks, keep our hands to ourselves, and learn our school work. Did I mention she is a very demanding teacher!

Number four: Set goals

I am a firm believer in the concept that " the goals you set are the goals you get.” As a parent, you can tell your kids to have a great school year, study hard, and do well, or you could further detail what that means. If you set a goal to achieve, like having a child on the honor roll, you could highlight how excellent grades affect their future. Kids with great grades have more opportunities, better job choices, and career opportunities, and they build strong self-esteem through their accomplishments. 

Setting goals to get A’s and B’s in school is a reasonable expectation. When a grade is not an A or B, students should review what they got wrong and determine why they did not perform better. 

I believe it is important to fan the flame of “excellence” in school. My first suggestion here is praise. When we are with our grandkids, I always give them positive feedback when they are working on an activity: “You are so strong,” “You are so brave,” or “Great try.” You might not be able to praise the outcome, but you can surely praise the effort. Kids can learn that perseverance and effort can lead to success. 

Everyone can learn to embrace mistakes as learning opportunities. Ask them, "What did you learn from your mistake?" One martial arts champion I know would always return to the locker room after a match to perfect his performance, even after winning! 

If a child is struggling, I recommend getting extra help from a teacher. As a college freshman, I worked full-time and did not study enough. I had a very dry and uninteresting course on Western civilizations and was emotionally devastated when I got an F on my midterm. I learned my lesson, got additional help from the teacher, and got an A on the final. Teachers always want to help students who show a desire to learn.

Number five: Talk about your feelings

Yes, kids get anxiety, too. My family moved to a new town as I was preparing to enter middle school. I had great anxiety with not knowing any of the kids in a new school, and the silly fear of the school year that I manufactured in my head. I had bad dreams and sleepless nights in anticipation of my new journey. It took a little time to fit in, but in time, I had a great experience and made many new friends.

Number six: Think positively with key steps

As a kid, my Mother was famous for saying, “Think Positive.” I loved the saying so much that I even had shirts embossed with it when I owned my gym in town. The problem is that it took me a long time to craft the steps I needed to follow this motto. I suggest these steps to teach children to overcome anxiety.

1. Reframe the idea that scary things are challenges, not problems.

2. Use positive Language and Vocabulary

Teaching children to swap negative words for positive or neutral ones is called transformational reframing. For example, instead of saying, “I can’t,” encourage, “I’ll try,” or “I’m learning.” This simple shift in language helps build a more optimistic mindset.

3. Break a problem into bite-sized solutions. If I told you becoming a black belt was a gigantic task, you may be overwhelmed with the prospect. But, if I broke it down to small hour-by-hour and week-by-week pieces, you could manage the journey without problem. 

My last tip is here- How do you eat an elephant? Simple, one bite at a time.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist

Summer self defense (for kids)

 

Finally, we are seeing our anticipated summer weather. The prolonged spring of cooler weather and rainy days seems over. The current Amazon jungle heat wave has pounced on us like a panther on its prey, so we need to be careful, but it’s not just the heat that I want to warn families about.

As a lifelong martial artist, I have always been concerned about self-defense in many facets of daily life. I am not talking about ninjas attacking, but about valuable life skills kids need to be safe for everyday living this summer.

As a martial arts Grandmaster, I consider that everything in life can have a self-defense component. Here are a few examples of how to keep our kids safe.

Sunscreen = self-defense against sunburn.

Brushing your teeth = self-defense against cavities.

Making your bed = self-defense against getting yelled at by Mom!

I will start with the sun. 

As a teen, I visited a fantastic island resort with my family. We spent all day playing in the pool, and of course, back in those days, we did not use sunscreen. I suffered a severe sunburn that kept me in bed for the night. The next day, I had to cover myself in the pool. This was before modern swim shirts, so I had to wear my long-sleeve sweatshirt (which weighed ten pounds in the water!).

Put water in the kids, not kids in the water.

Kids' metabolisms run hotter than adults', producing more heat. Their water depletion can be dangerous because their sweat mechanism is less developed than that of adults, making it harder for them to cool down effectively and risking overheating. Kids who play hard in the summer may forget to drink, so please keep them hydrated. Recently, on one of our hot days, I became tired and had a rare headache, so I had to lie down in the AC, becoming a victim of dehydration, too. 

Self-defense against brain decay.

The brain is like a muscle that needs regular exercise. Summer slide is not a term for kids playing by the swing set. School-age kids receive summer take-home work for a specific reason. Research consistently shows that children can lose two months of reading skills if they don’t participate in summer learning activities. This accumulated loss can put kids significantly behind their peers by the time they reach middle school. Summer exposure to books expands a child’s vocabulary, improves comprehension, and strengthens critical thinking. My wife and I have a technique where one of our seven-year-old grandchildren receives tablet time equal to reading time. Ten minutes of reading gets her ten minutes of tablet time. Seems like a great trade to us. With lots of mental stimulation, kids brains will become super tuned up for September. Developing a love for reading can bring tons of achievement and pleasure throughout a lifetime. I love our Putnam library, which we visit often for our grandchildren and ourselves. They host many kids' activities and even provide lunch all summer. Feel free to pass on one of my most-used tips for kids: Readers are leaders!

Fireworks are fun (and dangerous )

The most fantastic part of Putnam’s Independence Day celebration is the fireworks. I heartily suggest watching the professionals do the work. Did you know a sparkler burns at 2,000 degrees? I have been at cookouts where five-year-olds played with these as if they were toys, and yes, my adrenaline was spiking off the charts. 

Water self-defense.

Every year, an average of four people will drown in the state of Connecticut. One summer, when I worked as a lake lifeguard, I had to personally pull kids out of the lake twice who couldn’t swim but ventured into deep water. As kids and families frolicked nearby, I had my eye on one of the kids as he began floundering and struggling, and when he realized his feet could not touch the bottom, he immediately began to panic. As I jumped out of my lifeguard chair and ran into the water, I watched him go under. I didn’t even have to swim to him because the water he was in wasn’t that deep. He had no swimming skills and had no adult supervision. This situation could have turned very badly. 

Drowning happens quietly and quickly, so I suggest a watch-watcher. In a crowded swimming situation, one adult should have a designated time where they do nothing but watch the kids, with no phone and no distractions. 

On a more serious note, many years ago, one spring, I lost one of my five-year-old students in a home drowning situation. He was playing with his cousin in the backyard. He decided to climb up on the edge of the above-ground pool, which had a cover on it. He stepped onto the cover and was not secured well. In he went. The cover came down over him, and he could not grab onto the side to save himself. His was the saddest funeral I have ever been to. 

Let’s be careful out there. Please don’t make me send the ninjas.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.

Why I Love American Idol

Over the years, I have not missed even one American Idol show. You might think it's because I love listening to music and watching performances, but I see so much more going on in the show. The most satisfying portions of Idol are when a slightly talented singer goes through. Over time, the performers may evolve into world-class singers and week by week will make their mark on the American public. It is a process that unfolds before our eyes and is a wonder to behold.

I want to dig into the eight personal traits these individuals share -- traits that undeniably increase their odds of success. At the beginning of their journey, if they make the cut to go to Hollywood, they must experience a significant boost in confidence simply by being selected as a high-level performer from a field of thousands that apply. Then, little by little, we see the metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly. But besides their natural gift as singers and entertainers, what other intrinsic skills do they have to push them along?

1. First I think- Passion.

These performers have probably honed their love of music since they were small children singing in the living room with their parents. They sing with purpose, and the music is in their soul. It infuses every aspect of their lives. They sing in the car, in the shower, and probably every day without thinking about it.

2. Confidence

Confidence comes from setting and achieving small goals. Over the years, I have often used the phrase, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” I still find it very useful to break things down into small pieces, which enables me to see the finished product and goal better. 

3. Focus

You can't fake consistent excellence. You must put in the work every day, every week, and every month. It takes years to get to a high level of performance. I watched a biopic of the Jackson 5, and It was reported that they practiced singing and dancing three times a day for at least three to four hours. They continued to do so even after they had succeeded in the entertainment field (achieving a whopping 21 Gold and Platinum certifications for their songs and albums). If it's not broken, don't fix it. 

4. They Connect -

To grab the audience, you can practice connecting with people. It’s a skill you can acquire to make people feel special as if they were the only person in the room. The technique of charm and charisma can be learned, but it's not easy. When I was in college, I had a friend who oozed charisma. At first, I tried to copy some of the traits he used, but in time, I understood that he had honed a specific technique all his own. I learned to model his style of charisma and interaction until I could develop my own version. Your presence can bring people in when you come across as genuine and interested. 

5. Have a strong work ethic and be coachable.

The Idol winner must have an indomitable spirit that enables them to fight through any obstacle. These Idols will regularly see challenges as detours, not barriers.

Find a coach who believes in you and can teach you to take occasional criticism and feedback. But you also have to believe in your coach/mentor. If you are unsatisfied, search for someone who is a good fit. Successful people have this winning attitude - “What was good enough today is not good enough tomorrow.” 

6. Evolve.

The American Idol judges told the contestants that they were consistently evolving. You can't be the same person tomorrow if you want to make improvements. Just keep on keeping on. Also, know that there will be days when you take one step forward and two steps backward. 

7. Show perseverance. Don't dwell on failure.

When I had students superload on pushups, I taught them that the one that makes you stronger is not the first; it's the last one, the one you must push hard to finish. Like that previous challenging pushup, reaching a worthwhile goal will be hard, but I will tell you now: it will be worth it.

8. You need strength. 

Mental, physical, and emotional strength are the trifecta of performance and need to work together. For example, you would not feed a multi-million dollar racehorse sugar and candy to get a top performance. You would not take a big test with only a few hours of sleep. If you want a high level of performance, practice and rehearse so you are convinced going into your situation where you are thinking: "I can't be beat.”

Lastly, as you consider implementing some of these key American Idol takeaways, enjoy the journey. While you travel down the road of life, take friends with you. I want to leave you with this last piece of advice: "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."

 Mike Bogdanski 

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and ANTI-Bully activist

Adult Bullying

 

Do you know what happens to kids who are bullies when they grow up? Yes, they become adult bullies. I have often spoken of the hardships that bullying causes for children. Today, I wanted to talk about bullying and the harm it causes to adults.

One of my friends was a target of bullies all through his childhood. He hoped and wished that the bullying would stop once he reached adulthood, and mostly, it did. He recently prompted me to write on the issue of adult bullying and told me of some of the occasions when he was targeted as an adult.

Bullies don’t always trip you while walking down the hall, shove you into a locker, or call you names. Adult bullies sit across from you in a meeting, behind a keyboard, and even at a lunch meeting. Adult bullying is more subtle but can be just as demeaning and painful as when you were a kid.

Children who bully will use physical bullying by pushing, shoving, and hitting. Adult bullies use social bullying as their weapon and want to put you down, diminish your importance, dominate, and humiliate you.

Bully traits-

The first is verbal bullying- name-calling, sarcasm, and humiliation will become their primary weapon. They can be critical of even minor faults and nitpick you at every opportunity. They are intentionally hunting you to deliver a put-down, especially in front of your peers. You will hear them spreading rumors in the gossip mill to achieve their dominance, which is meant to tear a person down and infect your workplace. Sarcasm, whether big or small, always lets targets of the bully know they are being put in their place. 

Manipulation-

Adult bullies will justify their twisting of the truth to make their accomplishments the best ideas and diminish your efforts in order to build themselves up. They will look to hijack your success and put down your inadequacies any chance they get. Often, it is done on social media (through cyberbullying)or in a group setting to enhance the sting while surrounded by your friends, workers, or family.

Being passive-aggressive.

I think this is an easy trap to fall into. Adult bullies use techniques like the silent treatment, sabotaging your work, put-downs, and using flimsy excuses like, I was just kidding. Being threatened or existing in a climate of fear is very common. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to walk on eggshells to avoid the blatant anger of your bully?

Social exclusion-

This is common—excluding people from certain situations and creating cliques where one person is excluded.

Intimidation-

Adult bullies will use veiled or overt threats. You hear people comment, “You will pay for that.” Sometimes, it is an overly enthusiastic and hard slap on the back, a person leaning in too close, or a strong arm around your shoulder that signals not-so-subtle attempts at causing anxiety in their targets. 

The first thing you have to do is recognize it and work to stop it, not just for yourself but also for other people who may be targeted. Here are three powerful ways that I suggest that will empower you against an adult bully.

#1: “Ask, Are you okay?”

Say it slowly and calmly. Stand tall and make good eye contact. Remember, your physiology communicates more about your message than your words do. This phrase will catch them off guard and signal them that their behavior is not okay.

And most importantly, it denies them the reaction they are looking for.

#2: Ask questions of intent. 

“This sounds like…”

“Did you mean to embarrass me?”

“Did you mean for that to offend me?”

“Did you mean to upset me?”

You’re giving them a mirror to understand the consequences of their behavior. No matter how hard it is, bullies need to learn empathy.

#3: “Attention or insecurity?”

They’re going to ask, “What do you mean?”

You respond: “Did you say that to be hurtful, for attention, or because of some insecurity?”

It will make them think twice before saying something like that again.

There are many ways to deal with someone who bullies others, most of which depend on one's level of safety and support in one's environment. Use your best judgment and your support system.

It's important to remember that bullying is often a pattern of behavior, not just isolated incidents. Bullying is characterized by a power imbalance and the intent to harm, intimidate, or control the other person. If you are a target, you are giving off signals of vulnerability. You may be in a situation where it's impossible or difficult to defend yourself from your bully. 

Lastly, the bully triad consists of three people: the bully, the target, and the bystander. Try to enlist help from others (an upstander) to assist you in these situations. If the bullying continues and the problem does not change, you may have to leave the group you are involved with, whether it is work or a hobby. I hope this article helps.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist

Mikebogdanski.com