Managing Anxiety in Kids: Tools for a Calmer Childhood

Kids that have stress problems.  Children that can't sleep. How can kids get stressed out? They only have to play and go to school, so what could cause them stress? Plenty, it seems.

Teachers and parents have reported stressed-out kids in record numbers. According to the CDC, 10% of children ages 3–17 have anxiety, 7% have behavior disorders, and 4% have depression. These conditions often occur together, with 37% of children with a mental health condition having two or more. Toxic stress can result from multiple factors, leading to changes in brain circuitry that negatively affect a child’s physical and mental health. I would like to provide parents with tools to help children manage anxiety and build emotional strength.

Anxiety in children presents itself as a feeling of worry or fear that can cause problems in everyday life. A little anxiety is normal in certain situations, like rushing to get ready after getting up late for a school day or a new situation that a child has never encountered. Changes at home may cause stress like losing a family member, divorce, or moving to a new town.

You can see the signs of stress manifest themselves in several ways.  Sleepless nights, headaches, stomachaches, and bad dreams can indicate an emotional strain.  Kids and their parents may have a difficult time seeing that these negative symptoms are related to stress.

Healthy anxiety or anxiety disorder?

Healthy anxiety may keep you safe. When kids encounter a new situation they may need time to get used to it. Healthy stress is staying away from the edge of a roof.  We all have built in safety mechanisms that enable us to be cautious.  As a person who studies the psychology of fear and building courage, I recommend a great book called “The Gift Of Fear” by Gavin Debecker which tells us our intuition should not be disregarded and very well might keep us safe. 

The summer before seventh grade, my parents moved us to a new town where I was enrolled into 7th grade. Being at a new middle school can be scary enough, but being in a completely new environment, it was crazy stressful for me. I was mad at my parents, I had no friends and no bridge to my new neighborhood.  I did not know one person in my new school and my anxiety was sky high. Most of the kids that arrived had known each other since kindergarten and I knew I would never fit in (but eventually I did!).

Bad Stress. Addressing anxiety early helps in the development of emotional intelligence and teaches coping skills. There are 4 main types of anxiety disorders:

• Separation Anxiety Disorder
• Social Anxiety Disorder
• Selective Mutism (fear of speaking to certain people)
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Some events that trigger anxiety could be some of the following: going to school, going to other kids’ houses for playdates, sleepovers, and falling asleep alone at night. 

What can happen to kids when stress and anxiety become overwhelming?  Several behavior disorders may surface, for example, withdrawal from certain activities, emotional outbursts, and even wanting to skip school.  It's up to parents to get to the root of what kicks off the stress.  Seek out the triggers so you can address it head on.

Here are some great tools that may help reduce anxiety.  There is no one single magic cure that will make it just disappear.

Connect with your kid. Make a comfortable judgment-free place for conversation and even share some of your own experiences as well.  Make sure it is quiet, with no TV, and no electronic devices allowed. Use active listening skills like “When you say that (topic) it sounds like you are very upset about it”. Help clarify the feelings and help the child know you empathize with them.

Breathing. When anxiety explodes in you, your breathing becomes short and fast, and your heart rate and blood pressure rise.  A long, slow breath, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth is essential in bringing your heart rate lower and reducing stress and anxiety.  In self-defense encounters for martial artists, the military and police rely on this breathing process to manage stress.  Teaching your kids how to have an emotional time out is a great skill.

Visualization. Teach your kids how to visualize a positive outcome, not doom and gloom.  Train your brain.

Routines equals predictability.  Having routines makes us feel in control of our lives, keeping our minds more centered and peaceful.

Watch what you watch.  There are so many acts of violence these days in TV, movies and video games that its easy to see children uneasy and uncomfortable.

Celebrate even small victories

Give kids a chance to work through it.  It’s a journey not a destination. It’s about baby steps. How many times would you let a toddler fail when it was trying to walk?  It’s the same here.  In many cases anxiety can be manageable with these techniques.

Mike Bogdanski 

Mikebogdanski.com

P.S the book "The Anxious Generation" is highly recommended reading for parents due to its insights in rising levels of anxiety in today's kids. 

Teaching the difference between discipline and self-discipline.

 

Lessons For Life:

 Thousands of books have been written on being the best parent ever. However, in my experience, ‌teaching self-discipline is the foundation of building success in any person.

The dictionary defines discipline/self discipline as the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

   Discipline is the exerting of external control, like when you tell your kids to brush their teeth.  This is how we as parents teach the littlest children the right and wrong ways to do things.  Self-discipline is when children utilize an internal guide to direct them to do the right things.  Self-discipline is the foundation of success in life and using character will give them a direction. In my years of working with children I often asked if they made their own bed.  Then I asked, did they do it on their own or after being told.  Then I highlighted to them the difference between discipline and self-discipline.

Here are my top tips on teaching self-discipline.

One of the greatest well-known successes in athletics is Tom Brady. His recommendation is; “Quit focusing on all the things you can't control. Focus on being the best version of yourself. Work as hard as you can.”

1. Succeeding with small goals eventually can turn into successes building great lifetime habits. Studies have shown that people with written goals have greater success on tasks.  I also suggest posting them around your house so you can see them every single day.  My suggestion is that the goals be very specific (I will do a future article on S.M.A.R.T. Goals. You can google this if you are curious)

With the technology of today it would be easy to start with a video of how to brush with detailed cleaning of each tooth. Many electric toothbrushes have a handy 2-minute timer. When kids are done brushing, you can be their success coach and give your child feedback, finishing with a smile and praise. Create a routine (specific time of day) where you log your goals and build your habits. 

2. Accountability and support.

If you want to succeed in a certain area, tell your everone. Then every time you see your friends, they will check in on your progress and give you support. Your friends and family want you to succeed, especially on tough, long term goals. Parents, if your child is not immediately good at developing self-discipline don’t worry, it’s a journey, not a destination. It is perfectly fine to fail as long as you take this as a lesson in course correction.

3. Teach delayed gratification - I love the saying “Dig your well before you are thirsty”. When I was in grammar school, the local bank got all the fourth graders to start a bank account. Each week, we brought in change to be deposited into our account. Week by week we could see the interest displayed on our passbook and watch our money grow. It was very exciting. I am sure you can do a digital version today to help get the concept of waiting for rewards. (For teens or young adults, if you contribute $135.00 a week, each year, to an IRA, it could take about 28 years to reach‌ one million dollars)

4. Be consistent, and determined, and work for it. Don’t sweat it if you fall back a little. Even elite athletes who eat right 6 days a week build in a cheat day where they can eat something not on their strict regimen. 

5. I have learned that the difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline. When I was in college I knew the semester had a beginning and end and I needed to fulfill requirements week by week to succeed.  I have met so many people that tell me “I should have started (their dream) twenty years ago”. My response is, “then today is the next best day!” I want to remind you that “someday” is not a day of the week.

6. Parents - reinforce and praise the behaviors you want to see. My recommendation is, If you can’t praise the act, praise the effort. Highlight and recognize others you run into showing good self-discipline. It would be so great if you could model this skill with your own actions. How we conduct our lives will always speak louder than our words. In time all habits, good or bad, will be “built” in.

I will leave you with this thought written in the 6th century- “A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step”. (Lao Tzu)

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist.

mikebogdanski.com

Talk To Your Kids About Bullies

Talking to your child about school bullies is an essential conversation as the new school year begins. For elementary and middle school-aged children, navigating social interactions can be challenging, and understanding how to handle bullying is crucial for their emotional well-being. Here’s how you can approach this sensitive topic.

1. Create a Safe Space for Conversation:

Start by establishing a safe and open environment where your child feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. During a quiet moment, such as after dinner, when your child is more likely to open up. Begin the conversation by asking general questions about their day at school, such as who they spent time with or what they enjoyed. A good way to start is by asking what was great today and then moving into what was bad today. Gradually steer the conversation toward friendships and peer interactions, making it clear that they can talk to you about anything, including uncomfortable situations.  It might be good to share a personal story from your youth.

2. Define Bullying Clearly:

It’s important to ensure your child understands what bullying is. Explain that bullying can take many forms—physical, verbal, or social—and can occur in person or online. Give age-appropriate examples, such as name-calling, spreading rumors, exclusion from groups, or physical aggression. Emphasize that bullying is repeated behavior intended to hurt someone, which is never the victim's fault.  Sometimes it’s not easy to see the bullying going on.

3. Point Out Real-Life Examples:

To help your child recognize bullying, point out situations you might witness daily. Whether it’s something you see while walking down the street, in a store, or even on television, use these moments as teaching opportunities. For example, if you see children being unkind to each other at a park, gently discuss what you observed with your child and ask how they think the victim might feel. These real-life examples make the concept of bullying more real and help your child to better understand and see similar situations they might encounter at school.

4. Encourage Empathy and Kindness:

Teach your child the importance of empathy by encouraging them to think about how others might feel. Discuss the value of being kind and standing up for peers who bullies may target. Role-playing scenarios can be a helpful way to practice responses to bullying, whether your child witnesses it or experiences it themselves. Reinforce the idea that everyone deserves to feel safe and respected at school.

5. Empower Them with Strategies:

Equip your child with strategies to deal with bullies. Encourage them to stay calm, assertively tell the bully to stop, and walk away if possible.  One of the best skills you can practice is teaching your child to stand assertively, hands open, make good eye contact, and if feeling physically threatened, strongly repeat “Back away”!  This skill can be practiced daily almost like a game until it is embedded in your child.

Emphasize the importance of seeking help from a trusted adult, such as a teacher, school counselor, or trusted adult, if they feel threatened or uncomfortable. Let them know that reporting bullying is not tattling; it’s the responsible way to protect themselves and others. If they don’t help stop bullies, the terror tactics will just continue.

6. Stay Involved and Follow Up:

Maintain an ongoing conversation about your child’s experiences at school. Regularly check in to see how they are doing and if they have encountered any bullying.   To personalize an experience, share your bullying memories and how you dealt with it.  

Stay in touch with teachers and school staff to monitor any problem situation and ensure that your child feels supported. Your involvement can make a significant difference in helping your child navigate bullying effectively.

By keeping communication open, educating your child about bullying, and equipping them with the tools to handle difficult situations, you can help them feel more confident and secure as they navigate the school's social landscape. 

 These tips will help by addressing bullying before it happens.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist.

Mikebogdanski.com

3 Essentials for Back to School

As the new school year approaches, parents often focus on preparing their children with the right supplies, like notebooks, pencils, and backpacks. However, beyond these basic items, there’s something even more critical to equip your child with—strength. Specifically, the mental, physical, and emotional strength they’ll need to navigate the challenges and opportunities of the school environment. These three forms of strength are the pillars that will support your child’s success, both academically and personally.

1. Mental Strength

Mental strength is the foundation of your child’s ability to persevere through challenges, maintain focus, and develop a positive mindset. It’s about perseverance, problem-solving, and the ability to bounce back from setbacks.  One thing I highly recommend is to teach transformational vocabulary. Is it a problem or a challenge?  Everyone loves a challenge!  

You can help build your child's mental strength by encouraging a positive mental attitude (PMA) - the belief that they can develop their abilities through indomitable spirit, setting small achievable goals, and working hard. 

When your child faces difficulties, instead of stepping in to solve the problem for them, guide them to find solutions on their own. This not only builds their confidence but also their ability to handle future challenges. Additionally, engage your child in activities that stimulate their brain, such as reading, puzzles, and educational games, which can enhance cognitive skills and boost mental agility.

2. Physical Strength

Physical health is closely tied to mental well-being and academic performance. A strong, healthy body supports a strong, healthy mind. Ensuring that your child gets regular exercise is crucial, as it improves concentration, reduces stress, and boosts energy levels. Whether through organized sports, dance classes, or my favorite, martial arts classes, which encompass all three of these skills, physical activity should be a regular part of their routine. 

Nutrition is equally important; a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins fuels your child’s body and brain, helping them stay alert and focused during school hours. Don’t underestimate the importance of sleep, either—children need between 9 and 11 hours of sleep per night to perform their best academically and physically.  Muscles grow when you are asleep.

3. Emotional Strength

Emotional strength is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, self-confidence, and the ability to handle stress. Children who are emotionally strong are better equipped to manage the social dynamics of school, from friendships to bully conflicts. You build emotional strength at home by creating an open, supportive environment where your child feels safe to express their feelings. Teach them coping strategies for managing stress, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, or simply talking about their worries.  I love teaching kids to give themselves a “timeout “, calming down and relaxing.  

Encourage your kids to build strong connections with friends and family members, so they have a solid support network to rely on when needed.  It is critically important they have a strong team of friends in school for support.  Most importantly, model emotional strength yourself by demonstrating how to handle stress and setbacks in a healthy, constructive manner.

By focusing on these three critical areas—mental, physical, and emotional strength—you’re giving your child the best possible foundation for a successful school year. These strengths will help them navigate the academic and social challenges ahead and empower them to grow into strong, fearless, and confident individuals ready to take on the world.

Mike Bogdanski 

Putnam

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster, child development expert and national anti-bullying activist.

The Anxious Generation

 

"The Anxious Generation" is highly recommended reading for parents due to its insightful exploration of the rising levels of anxiety among today's youth, with a significant focus on the dangers of smartphone use and social media. This book delves into how these modern technologies contribute to a mental health crisis, providing a comprehensive understanding that is crucial for parents navigating their children's emotional landscapes.

One of the book's strengths lies in its thorough analysis of the pressures stemming from constant connectivity and social media exposure. It illuminates how these factors create a pervasive sense of anxiety, offering parents a clearer picture of the digital challenges their children face. The relentless comparisons, cyberbullying, and the pressure to maintain a perfect online persona can significantly impact mental health, leading to heightened anxiety and decreased self-esteem.

Moreover, "The Anxious Generation" is grounded in extensive research, combining psychological studies with real-life case studies to illustrate its points effectively. This evidence-based approach equips parents with the knowledge to recognize signs of anxiety related to smartphone and social media use and understand its potential long-term impacts.

The book also provides practical strategies for parents to mitigate these dangers. It emphasizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries around technology use, fostering open communication about the effects of social media, and encouraging offline activities that build resilience and self-esteem.

“The Anxious Generation" can be a vital resource for parents seeking to understand and address the anxiety epidemic exacerbated by smartphones and social media. Its blend of research, real-world examples, and practical advice makes it an essential guide for fostering the mental well-being of the next generation.

Mike Bogdanski

America’s ANTI Bully

Mikebogdanski.com

Be Bullyproof This Summer

 Ensuring a safe and enjoyable summer free from bullying involves proactive and reactive strategies. Here are three tips to help make your summer bully-proof:

1. Build Self-Confidence and Assertiveness

• Engage in Activities: Participate in hobbies and activities that you might enjoy and excel at. This can boost your self-esteem and provide a positive social environment. Get good at karate and break a board!
• Learn Assertiveness: Practice assertive communication. This means standing up for yourself by using "I" statements and setting clear boundaries. For example, saying "I don't like it when you talk to me that way. Please stop."
• Role-Playing: Practice scenarios with a trusted friend or family member to get comfortable with responding to bullying. This can help you stay calm and collected in real situations when they happen.

2. Build a Support Network

• Connect with Trusted Adults: Identify and build relationships with adults you trust, such as parents, teachers, or coaches. Knowing you have someone to turn to can provide support and someone to lean on in tough times..
• Form Friendships: grow a circle of friends who support and stand by you. Bullies are less likely to target individuals who are part of a strong, supportive group.
• Stay Connected: Keep in touch with your support network regularly. Share your experiences and concerns with them, so they can help you navigate any issues that arise.

3. Develop Digital Savvy

• Online Safety: Be mindful of your online presence. Avoid sharing personal information and use privacy settings to control who can see your posts and information.
• Know the Signs: Learn to recognize cyberbullying. This includes repeated negative comments, spreading rumors, or sharing private information without consent.
• Report and Block: If you encounter cyberbullying, report the behavior to the platform and block the bully. Inform a trusted adult about the incident as well.

Additional Tips:

• Stay Informed: Educate yourself about bullying and its effects. Knowing what constitutes bullying can help you recognize and address it promptly.
• Take Care of Your Mental Health: Engage in activities that reduce stress and anxiety, such as exercise, reading books on positive thinking, or talking to a trusted adult.

To grow your self-confidence, build a strong support network, and develop digital savvy, you can create a summer environment where bullying is less likely to occur and where you feel equipped to handle it if it does.