Home Rules For Children

 

Several years ago, I met a martial arts instructor, Grandmaster Jhoon Rhee of Washington, D.C. Over the decades, he taught hundreds of Senators, members of Congress, and several world champions. Even at age 70, he was the perfect physical specimen (doing one thousand situps and pushups every day); he decided not to get us out on the floor to train physically; he just wanted to talk about how to be a Black Belt in life. Here are his basic “Home Rules For Children.” This might be a good printout for the refrigerator door.

1. Children Shall greet their parents with "Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!" when they enter the home and tell their parents, "Goodbye," when they leave. 

Good manners must be taught to young people, and they should be praised when they display the desired attributes until they become a habit.

2. Children will always be respectful of their parents, teachers and elders. My personal idea of respect is -treat people how you want to be treated. Some of us that are now older wish we still had our parents around. 

3. Children will be kind to their Brothers and Sisters. It would be good to clarify this word into actions that even the youngest child can understand. Kindness is being friendly, generous, and considerate. Siblings can share a treat, give a compliment, cheer them up, and even say sorry when they feel like they did something wrong. 

4. Children will keep the household neat and clean. When our grandkids are over, we get to practice this. They can't take out new toys until the current toys are put away. Don't let them touch dirty dishes twice. Why put them in the sink for a visit when they can go directly into the dishwasher?

We all know the basic rule: If you take it out and you put it away. Having things on a schedule definitely helps (like getting our trash bins to the curb on time).

5. Children will keep their hair, body, and teeth clean daily. I think it's about routines and schedules. After doing a task consistently, kids develop habits. It's up to parents to get them set up as good ones instead of bad ones. It's important to teach that certain cues equal certain actions. After waking up, you brush your teeth; after using the toilet, you wash your hands; when you cough, it's into your arm. I always liked to teach kids that this was self-defense against germs. 

6. Children will not interrupt adult conversations. I always taught kids to wait nearby, make good eye contact, and then, when they wanted to speak to adults in conversation, say, "Excuse me, Mom/Dad." Respect for parents must be a priority in every household. If it's not taught to children when they are young, you certainly know how they will treat parents when they are teens.

7. Children shall fix the recipe for straight 'A & B's daily! I always like teaching the concept of “inspect what you expect.” Teaching kids that getting consistently good grades is essential along with teaching the idea of the five P’s- perfect planning prevents poor performance. 

8. When you come home from school, open the refrigerator and pick a healthy snack, no exceptions. This will become a habit that will serve them well over their lifetime. 

At the end of his seminar, he asked the assembled group this question that resounds in my head daily: “What is the purpose of life?”

The Grandmaster’s answer was so powerful, yet so simple. “To be happy!”

Mike Bogdanski

America’s Anti Bully

Mikebogdanski.com

Barriers

 It’s too hard, I don't have enough time, it's too lofty a goal, and people like me don't do things like that. You have heard all the excuses, so now let's dig into why people never start and, if they start, never succeed.

Taking giant steps 

I am reminded of the philosophy I learned from one of my esteemed teachers. He asked me, “How do you eat an elephant?” I thought for a minute and gave him a silly answer (being a teen at the time): “Sir, with a fork and ketchup.”

He shook his head (his occasional reaction to my responses) and answered, “No, silly boy, one bite at a time!” The real lesson was that I was trying to take giant steps in my progress rather than baby steps to get things right. My lesson of setting smaller, easier, and more realistic goals has helped me over the years.

Setting a timeline.

The difference between a dream and a goal is a deadline.

When I was in college, I knew if a term paper were due in six weeks, I would have it done in six weeks. I had a starting point, a midpoint, and then an endpoint. When a person has no defining parameters for accomplishing a task, it becomes one of those “I will get to it soon” moments.

Here are five barriers that may hold you back from being successful.

Not enough information

I learned this from my Dad, who was a builder. He told me he built his first spec house at age sixteen. He had been working for his Dad, argued with him, and left. He figured that since he had helped build over twenty houses, he was smart enough to strike out on his own and give it a go. My Dad’s first solo project was finally finished, sat empty for months, and finally sold, but he lost money. He then realized how wise his father was and learned he should depend on people who were more intelligent than him to give him all the information to succeed.

You quit too early.

I once met someone who told me they had been to college for four years. I asked what degree they earned, and they told me I didn’t earn a degree. He commented,” I was a freshman at four different colleges and dropped out each time!” So, four years of college and nothing to show for it. It’s essential to think long-term and short-term. Short-term success helps you achieve long-term results. I once read that Sony Corporation, the electronics manufacturing company in Japan, had a hundred-year business plan. Don't just be a dreamer, be a doer too. Owning the dream is your real goal.

No success coach.

Everyone needs a teacher, coach, or mentor. Even Tiger Woods has a coach. To become the greatest golfer in the world, he hired a putting coach, a driving coach, a strength coach, and a nutritionist. A coach can give you feedback and push you along when you need a kick in the butt. Just like an airplane autopilot, mentors will help you with course corrections.

Not thinking positive- 

Success comes in cans, 

Not cant’s.

Whenever I was teaching, I always had a life lesson in mind. One of my favorite motivational sayings I want to share with you today is “Whatever Your Mind Can Conceive and Believe, It Can Achieve.” – Napoleon Hill. This quote from the 1937 book “Think and Grow Rich” has gained much popularity in recent years as a way to describe the power of positive thinking, one of the most essential concepts in training your brain.

Not enough detail on the goal and the process.

Whenever you set your goal, you need to describe it in intricate detail so that it becomes real to you. List the colors, smell, sound, feel, and texture if you can. Here is an example. A highly waxed metal-flake midnight blue Harley Softail deluxe with shiny leather seats with my initials, custom foot pegs, oversized tires, and a throaty growl and flames down the sides of the tank. Oversized chrome wheels that shine like a bright star. Get the idea?

Now, to make what you want to happen, please write it down. When a thought transfers into writing, it seeds in your mind what will come. I am a big fan of a small pad on which to write and rewrite notes. When writing something down, you imprint the thought, idea, or goal firmly into your brain, and that becomes indelible. 

A well-known study by Dr. Gail Matthews at Dominican University found that people who wrote down their goals shared them with a friend, and provided regular progress updates were 42% more likely to achieve their goals than those who only thought about them.

I am a big fan of setting s.m.a.r.t. goals - specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-based. I hope this helps!

Mike Bogdanski

“An Attitude of Gratitude”

 

My New Year tip to readers is to do something for someone else.

I love the quote from motivational speaker Zig Ziglar who famously said, "You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want."

Overall, acts of kindness benefit both your mental and physical well-being. I know some of you are saying, "Mike, I am too busy, too stressed, too overworked, and overwhelmed." How can I help others when I can barely help myself? We can look to the late President Jimmy Carter. He served as president of the US and then quietly faded into the background, but he and his wife went on for decades to serve others. 

Why? When you do something nice for someone, your body experiences several positive mental and physical benefits:

Random acts of kindness release serotonin (which improves mood), dopamine (which creates a sense of pleasure), and endorphins (which reduce pain and stress). Being kind can lower cortisol levels, your stress hormone, making you feel calm and relaxed. Helping others can release oxytocin, which benefits your heart by reducing blood pressure and inflammation. Positive emotional states from being kind can strengthen your immune system, making your body less prone to illness. Doesn’t that sound great?

You start making your community a better place as one kind person with one kind act. Kindness can have a ripple effect, starting with one person at a time and one town at a time, by helping you focus on positive situations and giving you an opportunity to bring good to the world even when times are difficult or challenging. The way I spell love is t-i-m-e. You don't have to give money; you can just contribute your time and energy to make things better in our little quiet corner.

How? 

Donate food, toys, or books. Volunteer to serve food at a homeless shelter or the Veteran’s Coffeehouse. Leave an extra tip at your local restaurant. Drop off a meal to a family with a new baby or who just experienced a huge personal loss. Doing something to improve someone else’s day, for no good reason, will enrich your day exponentially.

Where?

There are many local places where you can help. I will begin by saying I love this quote, “Act local, think globally,” to mentally set your course. My suggestions include TEEG, Interfaith Human Services of Putnam(food donations, diaper bank, fuel, and more), the Putnam Resource Center, volunteering for your local historical society, and local boards (zoning, economic development, wetlands, etc.) or even shoveling the snow off a neighbor’s sidewalk. There are many opportunities to lift up our neighbors and our towns.

Trust me. I could share study after study about how helping someone else improves people’s moods more than getting a gift themselves, but I know this from personal experience. While running my business, I decided to do a community project and raised a few thousand dollars for Paul Newman’s Hole In The Wall camp in Eastford. When I met with the staff, they showed me the million-dollar contributions that the camp had received. Even though they appreciated the donation, it felt like a drop in the bucket to this internationally funded group. It was then I decided to do something more local. I had a very good friend who struggled with drugs, so I thought supporting local children through D.A.R.E programs might be a better choice. All the money stayed local, and each school could receive money from the generous contributions of local businesses and people in our towns. To me, it was a win-win for our kids. I felt that if drugs started to ruin my friend's life, they could destroy anyone, and I was a person who could help.

Since retiring, I have had more time to give back to the community, and I absolutely love it. I am happiest when I help others. I love being busy and giving my time, advice, and experience to others. I have always tried to pass on the philosophy of having “an attitude of gratitude.” 

My favorite quote for the new year is, “If you want to touch the past, touch a rock. If you want to touch the present, touch a flower. If you want to touch the future, touch a life.”

—AUTHOR UNKNOWN

President Carter recently passed away at age one hundred. For years after his presidency, he served his community with grace, humility, compassion, dignity, courage, and love. Let’s be like Jimmy; together, we can lift up the world.

P.S. - I am helping to organize a celebrity bartender fundraiser for Interfaith Human Services of Putnam (daily bread/diaper bank/fuel assistance) on February 20 at Montana Nights Axe Throwing in Putnam from 5:30-8 pm if you want to kick off your generosity and have lots of fun. Hope to see you there!

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.

Off To See The Wizard

 

With the release of the new hit movie Wicked, I was reminiscing about the first time I saw The Wizard of Oz. Way before you could stream thousands of films to watch anytime, we had to plan each October to view it. Although my first time seeing it at age six was pretty scary, I want to tell you about all the many things I have learned in life from the movie since then.

If you recall, the story begins in black and white until Dorothy steps out of her house after landing in Munchkinland. Dorothy composes herself and opens the door, where you are immediately treated to the brilliance of colors that make the small town burst to life. The contrast from full shades of black and white to color is an amazing display of showmanship from the film’s producers. When I give advice to kids, I ask them to describe their goals with as much color, detail, and intensity as possible to make them real, just like the “Pop” of colors grabs your attention in the film.

Dorothy’s house lands on the wicked Witch of the East, freeing the munchkins from her rule. She is lost, wants to get home, and seeks advice from her new friends on which way to travel. In much the same way over the years, I have asked many people (much smarter than me) for mentorship, and they helped steer me in the right direction. Soon, for Dorothy, we find out the journey, not the destination, helps her realize the true answers to her problems.

On the journey (I call life), Dorothy and her dog Toto meet her first travel companion. Her new friend, the scarecrow, travels with Dorothy to visit the Wizard because he seeks a brain. I believe what he really wants is knowledge. Personally, me too. I have been a lifelong learner. Weekly, I read several books (some for the second or third time), view online seminars, get advice from some brilliant people, and watch YouTube video clips to learn at least one new thing every day. On the journey called life, it's essential to keep your body healthy and mind strong.

The next friend she meets is the Tin Man, who joins her on his search for a heart. This is ironic because he is the most tender and emotional of the group, and when he cries, he rusts!

One of my favorite stories about having a good heart is about adoption. A teacher talks about the concept of adoption and then has the children explain what they think it means. Going from one student to another, they all had slightly different versions of understanding and many questions. Finally, one little girl put it well: "Adoption is when a baby goes from the tummy of one Mom to the heart of another." Emotional reading that? Me too.

I love this quote from one of my martial arts mentors, the late Chuck Merriman; "Be as hard as the world forces you to be and as soft as the world lets you be.”

Now, let's talk about the lion. In my years of martial arts training, I learned that if size were important, the elephant would be the king of the jungle. In the decades I taught kids, I knew that one key component in creating a strong person was helping individuals, like the cowardly lion, to build their courage. I like to think you build courage versus get courage. Like a house being constructed, piece by piece, you first need to build a strong foundation. By overcoming small challenges before tackling the big ones, this strategy will not let things overwhelm you. When faced with enormous challenges, it is necessary to break them down into small, achievable steps first. 

Over the years, I have developed key phrases to help communicate basic concepts, and this is one of my favorites: “Courage is not the absence of fear; it’s being a little scared and being able to take action anyway.” Setting and achieving small goals first is of primary importance in growing as a person. We have learned that it’s okay to fail. You never truly fail until you quit.

To wrap up, I have a couple of key points. One I love is, " If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together.” Two, continually seeking knowledge (a brain), a heart (compassion), and building courage are skills we all can learn from Dorothy and the Wizard—life philosophy at its best from L. Frank Baum, author of The Wizard of Oz. 

And by the way, I am still a little afraid of flying monkeys.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist

Mikebogdanski.com

 

Managing Anxiety in Kids: Tools for a Calmer Childhood

Kids that have stress problems.  Children that can't sleep. How can kids get stressed out? They only have to play and go to school, so what could cause them stress? Plenty, it seems.

Teachers and parents have reported stressed-out kids in record numbers. According to the CDC, 10% of children ages 3–17 have anxiety, 7% have behavior disorders, and 4% have depression. These conditions often occur together, with 37% of children with a mental health condition having two or more. Toxic stress can result from multiple factors, leading to changes in brain circuitry that negatively affect a child’s physical and mental health. I would like to provide parents with tools to help children manage anxiety and build emotional strength.

Anxiety in children presents itself as a feeling of worry or fear that can cause problems in everyday life. A little anxiety is normal in certain situations, like rushing to get ready after getting up late for a school day or a new situation that a child has never encountered. Changes at home may cause stress like losing a family member, divorce, or moving to a new town.

You can see the signs of stress manifest themselves in several ways.  Sleepless nights, headaches, stomachaches, and bad dreams can indicate an emotional strain.  Kids and their parents may have a difficult time seeing that these negative symptoms are related to stress.

Healthy anxiety or anxiety disorder?

Healthy anxiety may keep you safe. When kids encounter a new situation they may need time to get used to it. Healthy stress is staying away from the edge of a roof.  We all have built in safety mechanisms that enable us to be cautious.  As a person who studies the psychology of fear and building courage, I recommend a great book called “The Gift Of Fear” by Gavin Debecker which tells us our intuition should not be disregarded and very well might keep us safe. 

The summer before seventh grade, my parents moved us to a new town where I was enrolled into 7th grade. Being at a new middle school can be scary enough, but being in a completely new environment, it was crazy stressful for me. I was mad at my parents, I had no friends and no bridge to my new neighborhood.  I did not know one person in my new school and my anxiety was sky high. Most of the kids that arrived had known each other since kindergarten and I knew I would never fit in (but eventually I did!).

Bad Stress. Addressing anxiety early helps in the development of emotional intelligence and teaches coping skills. There are 4 main types of anxiety disorders:

• Separation Anxiety Disorder
• Social Anxiety Disorder
• Selective Mutism (fear of speaking to certain people)
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Some events that trigger anxiety could be some of the following: going to school, going to other kids’ houses for playdates, sleepovers, and falling asleep alone at night. 

What can happen to kids when stress and anxiety become overwhelming?  Several behavior disorders may surface, for example, withdrawal from certain activities, emotional outbursts, and even wanting to skip school.  It's up to parents to get to the root of what kicks off the stress.  Seek out the triggers so you can address it head on.

Here are some great tools that may help reduce anxiety.  There is no one single magic cure that will make it just disappear.

Connect with your kid. Make a comfortable judgment-free place for conversation and even share some of your own experiences as well.  Make sure it is quiet, with no TV, and no electronic devices allowed. Use active listening skills like “When you say that (topic) it sounds like you are very upset about it”. Help clarify the feelings and help the child know you empathize with them.

Breathing. When anxiety explodes in you, your breathing becomes short and fast, and your heart rate and blood pressure rise.  A long, slow breath, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth is essential in bringing your heart rate lower and reducing stress and anxiety.  In self-defense encounters for martial artists, the military and police rely on this breathing process to manage stress.  Teaching your kids how to have an emotional time out is a great skill.

Visualization. Teach your kids how to visualize a positive outcome, not doom and gloom.  Train your brain.

Routines equals predictability.  Having routines makes us feel in control of our lives, keeping our minds more centered and peaceful.

Watch what you watch.  There are so many acts of violence these days in TV, movies and video games that its easy to see children uneasy and uncomfortable.

Celebrate even small victories

Give kids a chance to work through it.  It’s a journey not a destination. It’s about baby steps. How many times would you let a toddler fail when it was trying to walk?  It’s the same here.  In many cases anxiety can be manageable with these techniques.

Mike Bogdanski 

Mikebogdanski.com

P.S the book "The Anxious Generation" is highly recommended reading for parents due to its insights in rising levels of anxiety in today's kids. 

Teaching the difference between discipline and self-discipline.

 

Lessons For Life:

 Thousands of books have been written on being the best parent ever. However, in my experience, ‌teaching self-discipline is the foundation of building success in any person.

The dictionary defines discipline/self discipline as the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

   Discipline is the exerting of external control, like when you tell your kids to brush their teeth.  This is how we as parents teach the littlest children the right and wrong ways to do things.  Self-discipline is when children utilize an internal guide to direct them to do the right things.  Self-discipline is the foundation of success in life and using character will give them a direction. In my years of working with children I often asked if they made their own bed.  Then I asked, did they do it on their own or after being told.  Then I highlighted to them the difference between discipline and self-discipline.

Here are my top tips on teaching self-discipline.

One of the greatest well-known successes in athletics is Tom Brady. His recommendation is; “Quit focusing on all the things you can't control. Focus on being the best version of yourself. Work as hard as you can.”

1. Succeeding with small goals eventually can turn into successes building great lifetime habits. Studies have shown that people with written goals have greater success on tasks.  I also suggest posting them around your house so you can see them every single day.  My suggestion is that the goals be very specific (I will do a future article on S.M.A.R.T. Goals. You can google this if you are curious)

With the technology of today it would be easy to start with a video of how to brush with detailed cleaning of each tooth. Many electric toothbrushes have a handy 2-minute timer. When kids are done brushing, you can be their success coach and give your child feedback, finishing with a smile and praise. Create a routine (specific time of day) where you log your goals and build your habits. 

2. Accountability and support.

If you want to succeed in a certain area, tell your everone. Then every time you see your friends, they will check in on your progress and give you support. Your friends and family want you to succeed, especially on tough, long term goals. Parents, if your child is not immediately good at developing self-discipline don’t worry, it’s a journey, not a destination. It is perfectly fine to fail as long as you take this as a lesson in course correction.

3. Teach delayed gratification - I love the saying “Dig your well before you are thirsty”. When I was in grammar school, the local bank got all the fourth graders to start a bank account. Each week, we brought in change to be deposited into our account. Week by week we could see the interest displayed on our passbook and watch our money grow. It was very exciting. I am sure you can do a digital version today to help get the concept of waiting for rewards. (For teens or young adults, if you contribute $135.00 a week, each year, to an IRA, it could take about 28 years to reach‌ one million dollars)

4. Be consistent, and determined, and work for it. Don’t sweat it if you fall back a little. Even elite athletes who eat right 6 days a week build in a cheat day where they can eat something not on their strict regimen. 

5. I have learned that the difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline. When I was in college I knew the semester had a beginning and end and I needed to fulfill requirements week by week to succeed.  I have met so many people that tell me “I should have started (their dream) twenty years ago”. My response is, “then today is the next best day!” I want to remind you that “someday” is not a day of the week.

6. Parents - reinforce and praise the behaviors you want to see. My recommendation is, If you can’t praise the act, praise the effort. Highlight and recognize others you run into showing good self-discipline. It would be so great if you could model this skill with your own actions. How we conduct our lives will always speak louder than our words. In time all habits, good or bad, will be “built” in.

I will leave you with this thought written in the 6th century- “A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step”. (Lao Tzu)

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist.

mikebogdanski.com