Teaching the difference between discipline and self-discipline.

 

Lessons For Life:

 Thousands of books have been written on being the best parent ever. However, in my experience, ‌teaching self-discipline is the foundation of building success in any person.

The dictionary defines discipline/self discipline as the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

   Discipline is the exerting of external control, like when you tell your kids to brush their teeth.  This is how we as parents teach the littlest children the right and wrong ways to do things.  Self-discipline is when children utilize an internal guide to direct them to do the right things.  Self-discipline is the foundation of success in life and using character will give them a direction. In my years of working with children I often asked if they made their own bed.  Then I asked, did they do it on their own or after being told.  Then I highlighted to them the difference between discipline and self-discipline.

Here are my top tips on teaching self-discipline.

One of the greatest well-known successes in athletics is Tom Brady. His recommendation is; “Quit focusing on all the things you can't control. Focus on being the best version of yourself. Work as hard as you can.”

1. Succeeding with small goals eventually can turn into successes building great lifetime habits. Studies have shown that people with written goals have greater success on tasks.  I also suggest posting them around your house so you can see them every single day.  My suggestion is that the goals be very specific (I will do a future article on S.M.A.R.T. Goals. You can google this if you are curious)

With the technology of today it would be easy to start with a video of how to brush with detailed cleaning of each tooth. Many electric toothbrushes have a handy 2-minute timer. When kids are done brushing, you can be their success coach and give your child feedback, finishing with a smile and praise. Create a routine (specific time of day) where you log your goals and build your habits. 

2. Accountability and support.

If you want to succeed in a certain area, tell your everone. Then every time you see your friends, they will check in on your progress and give you support. Your friends and family want you to succeed, especially on tough, long term goals. Parents, if your child is not immediately good at developing self-discipline don’t worry, it’s a journey, not a destination. It is perfectly fine to fail as long as you take this as a lesson in course correction.

3. Teach delayed gratification - I love the saying “Dig your well before you are thirsty”. When I was in grammar school, the local bank got all the fourth graders to start a bank account. Each week, we brought in change to be deposited into our account. Week by week we could see the interest displayed on our passbook and watch our money grow. It was very exciting. I am sure you can do a digital version today to help get the concept of waiting for rewards. (For teens or young adults, if you contribute $135.00 a week, each year, to an IRA, it could take about 28 years to reach‌ one million dollars)

4. Be consistent, and determined, and work for it. Don’t sweat it if you fall back a little. Even elite athletes who eat right 6 days a week build in a cheat day where they can eat something not on their strict regimen. 

5. I have learned that the difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline. When I was in college I knew the semester had a beginning and end and I needed to fulfill requirements week by week to succeed.  I have met so many people that tell me “I should have started (their dream) twenty years ago”. My response is, “then today is the next best day!” I want to remind you that “someday” is not a day of the week.

6. Parents - reinforce and praise the behaviors you want to see. My recommendation is, If you can’t praise the act, praise the effort. Highlight and recognize others you run into showing good self-discipline. It would be so great if you could model this skill with your own actions. How we conduct our lives will always speak louder than our words. In time all habits, good or bad, will be “built” in.

I will leave you with this thought written in the 6th century- “A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step”. (Lao Tzu)

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist.

mikebogdanski.com

Talk To Your Kids About Bullies

Talking to your child about school bullies is an essential conversation as the new school year begins. For elementary and middle school-aged children, navigating social interactions can be challenging, and understanding how to handle bullying is crucial for their emotional well-being. Here’s how you can approach this sensitive topic.

1. Create a Safe Space for Conversation:

Start by establishing a safe and open environment where your child feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. During a quiet moment, such as after dinner, when your child is more likely to open up. Begin the conversation by asking general questions about their day at school, such as who they spent time with or what they enjoyed. A good way to start is by asking what was great today and then moving into what was bad today. Gradually steer the conversation toward friendships and peer interactions, making it clear that they can talk to you about anything, including uncomfortable situations.  It might be good to share a personal story from your youth.

2. Define Bullying Clearly:

It’s important to ensure your child understands what bullying is. Explain that bullying can take many forms—physical, verbal, or social—and can occur in person or online. Give age-appropriate examples, such as name-calling, spreading rumors, exclusion from groups, or physical aggression. Emphasize that bullying is repeated behavior intended to hurt someone, which is never the victim's fault.  Sometimes it’s not easy to see the bullying going on.

3. Point Out Real-Life Examples:

To help your child recognize bullying, point out situations you might witness daily. Whether it’s something you see while walking down the street, in a store, or even on television, use these moments as teaching opportunities. For example, if you see children being unkind to each other at a park, gently discuss what you observed with your child and ask how they think the victim might feel. These real-life examples make the concept of bullying more real and help your child to better understand and see similar situations they might encounter at school.

4. Encourage Empathy and Kindness:

Teach your child the importance of empathy by encouraging them to think about how others might feel. Discuss the value of being kind and standing up for peers who bullies may target. Role-playing scenarios can be a helpful way to practice responses to bullying, whether your child witnesses it or experiences it themselves. Reinforce the idea that everyone deserves to feel safe and respected at school.

5. Empower Them with Strategies:

Equip your child with strategies to deal with bullies. Encourage them to stay calm, assertively tell the bully to stop, and walk away if possible.  One of the best skills you can practice is teaching your child to stand assertively, hands open, make good eye contact, and if feeling physically threatened, strongly repeat “Back away”!  This skill can be practiced daily almost like a game until it is embedded in your child.

Emphasize the importance of seeking help from a trusted adult, such as a teacher, school counselor, or trusted adult, if they feel threatened or uncomfortable. Let them know that reporting bullying is not tattling; it’s the responsible way to protect themselves and others. If they don’t help stop bullies, the terror tactics will just continue.

6. Stay Involved and Follow Up:

Maintain an ongoing conversation about your child’s experiences at school. Regularly check in to see how they are doing and if they have encountered any bullying.   To personalize an experience, share your bullying memories and how you dealt with it.  

Stay in touch with teachers and school staff to monitor any problem situation and ensure that your child feels supported. Your involvement can make a significant difference in helping your child navigate bullying effectively.

By keeping communication open, educating your child about bullying, and equipping them with the tools to handle difficult situations, you can help them feel more confident and secure as they navigate the school's social landscape. 

 These tips will help by addressing bullying before it happens.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist.

Mikebogdanski.com

3 Essentials for Back to School

As the new school year approaches, parents often focus on preparing their children with the right supplies, like notebooks, pencils, and backpacks. However, beyond these basic items, there’s something even more critical to equip your child with—strength. Specifically, the mental, physical, and emotional strength they’ll need to navigate the challenges and opportunities of the school environment. These three forms of strength are the pillars that will support your child’s success, both academically and personally.

1. Mental Strength

Mental strength is the foundation of your child’s ability to persevere through challenges, maintain focus, and develop a positive mindset. It’s about perseverance, problem-solving, and the ability to bounce back from setbacks.  One thing I highly recommend is to teach transformational vocabulary. Is it a problem or a challenge?  Everyone loves a challenge!  

You can help build your child's mental strength by encouraging a positive mental attitude (PMA) - the belief that they can develop their abilities through indomitable spirit, setting small achievable goals, and working hard. 

When your child faces difficulties, instead of stepping in to solve the problem for them, guide them to find solutions on their own. This not only builds their confidence but also their ability to handle future challenges. Additionally, engage your child in activities that stimulate their brain, such as reading, puzzles, and educational games, which can enhance cognitive skills and boost mental agility.

2. Physical Strength

Physical health is closely tied to mental well-being and academic performance. A strong, healthy body supports a strong, healthy mind. Ensuring that your child gets regular exercise is crucial, as it improves concentration, reduces stress, and boosts energy levels. Whether through organized sports, dance classes, or my favorite, martial arts classes, which encompass all three of these skills, physical activity should be a regular part of their routine. 

Nutrition is equally important; a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins fuels your child’s body and brain, helping them stay alert and focused during school hours. Don’t underestimate the importance of sleep, either—children need between 9 and 11 hours of sleep per night to perform their best academically and physically.  Muscles grow when you are asleep.

3. Emotional Strength

Emotional strength is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, self-confidence, and the ability to handle stress. Children who are emotionally strong are better equipped to manage the social dynamics of school, from friendships to bully conflicts. You build emotional strength at home by creating an open, supportive environment where your child feels safe to express their feelings. Teach them coping strategies for managing stress, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, or simply talking about their worries.  I love teaching kids to give themselves a “timeout “, calming down and relaxing.  

Encourage your kids to build strong connections with friends and family members, so they have a solid support network to rely on when needed.  It is critically important they have a strong team of friends in school for support.  Most importantly, model emotional strength yourself by demonstrating how to handle stress and setbacks in a healthy, constructive manner.

By focusing on these three critical areas—mental, physical, and emotional strength—you’re giving your child the best possible foundation for a successful school year. These strengths will help them navigate the academic and social challenges ahead and empower them to grow into strong, fearless, and confident individuals ready to take on the world.

Mike Bogdanski 

Putnam

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster, child development expert and national anti-bullying activist.

The Anxious Generation

 

"The Anxious Generation" is highly recommended reading for parents due to its insightful exploration of the rising levels of anxiety among today's youth, with a significant focus on the dangers of smartphone use and social media. This book delves into how these modern technologies contribute to a mental health crisis, providing a comprehensive understanding that is crucial for parents navigating their children's emotional landscapes.

One of the book's strengths lies in its thorough analysis of the pressures stemming from constant connectivity and social media exposure. It illuminates how these factors create a pervasive sense of anxiety, offering parents a clearer picture of the digital challenges their children face. The relentless comparisons, cyberbullying, and the pressure to maintain a perfect online persona can significantly impact mental health, leading to heightened anxiety and decreased self-esteem.

Moreover, "The Anxious Generation" is grounded in extensive research, combining psychological studies with real-life case studies to illustrate its points effectively. This evidence-based approach equips parents with the knowledge to recognize signs of anxiety related to smartphone and social media use and understand its potential long-term impacts.

The book also provides practical strategies for parents to mitigate these dangers. It emphasizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries around technology use, fostering open communication about the effects of social media, and encouraging offline activities that build resilience and self-esteem.

“The Anxious Generation" can be a vital resource for parents seeking to understand and address the anxiety epidemic exacerbated by smartphones and social media. Its blend of research, real-world examples, and practical advice makes it an essential guide for fostering the mental well-being of the next generation.

Mike Bogdanski

America’s ANTI Bully

Mikebogdanski.com

Be Bullyproof This Summer

 Ensuring a safe and enjoyable summer free from bullying involves proactive and reactive strategies. Here are three tips to help make your summer bully-proof:

1. Build Self-Confidence and Assertiveness

• Engage in Activities: Participate in hobbies and activities that you might enjoy and excel at. This can boost your self-esteem and provide a positive social environment. Get good at karate and break a board!
• Learn Assertiveness: Practice assertive communication. This means standing up for yourself by using "I" statements and setting clear boundaries. For example, saying "I don't like it when you talk to me that way. Please stop."
• Role-Playing: Practice scenarios with a trusted friend or family member to get comfortable with responding to bullying. This can help you stay calm and collected in real situations when they happen.

2. Build a Support Network

• Connect with Trusted Adults: Identify and build relationships with adults you trust, such as parents, teachers, or coaches. Knowing you have someone to turn to can provide support and someone to lean on in tough times..
• Form Friendships: grow a circle of friends who support and stand by you. Bullies are less likely to target individuals who are part of a strong, supportive group.
• Stay Connected: Keep in touch with your support network regularly. Share your experiences and concerns with them, so they can help you navigate any issues that arise.

3. Develop Digital Savvy

• Online Safety: Be mindful of your online presence. Avoid sharing personal information and use privacy settings to control who can see your posts and information.
• Know the Signs: Learn to recognize cyberbullying. This includes repeated negative comments, spreading rumors, or sharing private information without consent.
• Report and Block: If you encounter cyberbullying, report the behavior to the platform and block the bully. Inform a trusted adult about the incident as well.

Additional Tips:

• Stay Informed: Educate yourself about bullying and its effects. Knowing what constitutes bullying can help you recognize and address it promptly.
• Take Care of Your Mental Health: Engage in activities that reduce stress and anxiety, such as exercise, reading books on positive thinking, or talking to a trusted adult.

To grow your self-confidence, build a strong support network, and develop digital savvy, you can create a summer environment where bullying is less likely to occur and where you feel equipped to handle it if it does.

Safeguarding Your Child: A Guide to Dealing with Cyberbullying

The increasing exposure of children to the online world in the age of digital connectivity makes them susceptible to cyberbullying. As a parent, discovering that your child is a victim of cyberbullying can be distressing, but it's crucial to respond promptly and effectively. Here's a comprehensive guide on what to do if your child is being cyberbullied before it’s too late.

Maintain Calm Communication:

• Approach the situation with a calm demeanor. Initiate an open and non-judgmental conversation with your child, Making sure they feel safe sharing this information. Establishing trust and not making them feel guilty is paramount in understanding the full extent of cyberbullying.

Document the Evidence:

• Gather evidence such as screenshots, messages, or posts. This documentation will be valuable proof when reporting the incident to authorities or platform administrators.

Block and Report:

• Instruct your child to block the bully on all relevant platforms and report the incident using available reporting mechanisms and meet with school administrators. Most online platforms take cyberbullying seriously and have policies in place to address such issues.  Schools have very specific guidelines regarding this problem, although occasionally I do hear complaints that not enough is done.  

Involve School Authorities:

• If the cyberbullying involves classmates, inform your school authorities. Many educational institutions have established protocols for handling cyberbullying incidents that occur outside the school and can take appropriate measures to ensure your child's safety in school.

Seek Professional Help:

•  Your child is probably experiencing emotional distress, so please consider involving mental health professionals. Counseling can provide support and guidance for both you and your child to cope with the emotional impact of cyberbullying.  Cyberbullying can be deadly.

Educate and Empower:

• Empower your child with knowledge about online safety and responsible digital behavior. Digital predators are real and can be students or adults. Teach your child to recognize and appropriately respond to cyberbullying situations independently while sharing this information with you. Reinforce the importance of reporting any suspicious or harmful online behavior. If you see an article or tv show that covers this a small reference to it will keep this on their radar.

Monitor and Restrict Online Activity:

• Implement monitoring tools or parental controls to keep track of your child's online activities. If necessary, restrict access to certain websites or platforms to create a safer online environment for your child. Unfortunately, many savvy kids can get around these safeguards.
• Remember, combating cyberbullying requires a collaborative effort between parents, schools, and online platforms. Stay vigilant, communicate openly with your child, and take the necessary actions promptly to protect them from the harmful effects of cyberbullying. By addressing the issue, you can contribute to creating a safer online space for your child and others.

Part 2

As a follow-up to my last article, my recommendation is no electronics in the bedroom at night.  

Having devices in the bedroom at bedtime will contribute to an increased risk of cyberbullying for several reasons. Here's why this practice may be a recipe for cyberbullying:

Lack of Parental Supervision:

• When children have electronic devices, such as smartphones or computers, in their bedrooms at night, it becomes challenging for parents to monitor their online activities closely. The absence of direct supervision will create an environment where cyberbullying can occur without immediate detection.

Increased Unsolicited Online Interactions:

• With devices readily available, children are more likely to engage in unsupervised online interactions, such as social media conversations or messaging apps. This lack of supervision exposes them to potential cyberbullying from peers or strangers 24/7.

Anonymity and Impersonal Communication:

• The digital realm provides anonymity that emboldens kids to engage in cyberbullying. When children are using electronic devices in the privacy of their bedrooms, they may encounter harmful messages or harassment without the immediate support of parents.  It happens and it can be lethal.  Be aware this danger can occur for hours nightly, and may go on for weeks and months without your knowledge. Teen suicide from cyberbullying happens more than you think. Students are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide if they get cyberbullied.  13.6 percent of adolescents have made a serious suicide attempt after being cyberbullied.

24/7 Connectivity:

• Keeping electronic devices in the bedroom at night means constant connectivity, allowing potential cyberbullying incidents to extend beyond school hours. This continuous access to the online world can contribute to prolonged exposure to harmful content or interactions.

Social Comparison and Pressure:

• Social media platforms often foster an environment where individuals, especially females, compare themselves to their peers. This constant comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy or pressure to conform, potentially resulting in anxiety and depression.

Impact on Sleep and Mental Health:

• Electronic devices in the bedroom can impact sleep quality and overall mental health. Sleep deprivation and increased stress levels may make children more vulnerable to the emotional toll of cyberbullying.

Delayed Reporting and Intervention:

• If a child experiences cyberbullying in the privacy of their bedroom, they may be hesitant to report it immediately. Delayed reporting will hinder timely intervention by parents, educators, or authorities, allowing the cyberbullying to persist or escalate and bring potentially devastating harm.

To mitigate the risk of cyberbullying, it is advisable for parents to establish clear rules regarding device usage, especially during nighttime hours. Encouraging open communication, teaching online safety, and monitoring online activities can help create a safer digital environment for children, reducing the likelihood of encountering cyberbullying situations.

Mike Bogdanski 

America’s ANTI Bully